I can tell the slave wanna say sompin', by the way she lookin' at me, but she hold back an' bite her tongue. She a well trained colored woman, I guess. It real nice, though, the quiet. I got no one tellin' me mo' truths or lies, no one sittin' there an' pretendin' to be sompin' there not. Daddy sayin' that he got nice virtue, an' the Misses feignin' that she the victim. Lloyd pretendin' that he like me- then takin' it back, like I the stuff beneath his shoe an' his father powerful but not really. Mary cryin', when her face say everythin' okay, an' Miss. Lizabeth insistin' that she a real lady.
An' what's worse is me. I pretend jus' like everyone else, an' yet I'm hatin' on them fo' it. I'm like Miss. Lizabeth, crossin' my legs an' sippin' tea, though all I wanna do his swim naked in the stream. I'm like Mary, smilin' real pretty, though sometime I feel almos' dead inside. I'm like Lloyd's daddy, outwards tellin' everyone that I know what I want an' how I feel, when the truth is jus' the opposite. I like Lloyd, himself, likin' him an' hatin' him jus' the same. I like the Misses, 'cause everythin' in my life ain't my fault. An' I like daddy- cause I believe in Christ ann' go to Church, but then in my head I don't think he as perfect as he ought to be.
The only one I kno' that don't pretend as much, is them colored. They at least kno' their place, don't lie to themselves none. In a way, they sorta lucky. Despite myself, the mention of black skin in my mind makes me think a Samuel. I wish I could talk to him, tell 'em everythin' that I thinkin'. He real smart, can read an' write. He'd kno' what to do.
I sigh into my tea, the slave sendin' another worried look my way. She still fussin' round the kitchen, though it was clean a while back an' keeps on lookin' to me. Maybe she worried I'll go crazy, with all them thoughts buzzin' round my head.
I hope I don't never gotta think a this again, that maybe everythin' will jus' get better from here. I hope I can talk to Samuel soon, meet again at the hiding place I been avoiding. Sit in the dark an' have him comfort me with his words. An' see James again. If I could only make one wish- I'd wish fo' that.
Oh dear God, the Great Lord. I close my eyes an' lower what would be my gaze to the table. My hands clasp together an' I begin my prayer.
Oh dear Mighty Lord in Heaven, Please jus' grant me jus' this one wish. Let me see my brother 'gain, let me hold 'em tight in my arms an' kiss 'es skin. Please Lord. Amen.
An' what's worse is me. I pretend jus' like everyone else, an' yet I'm hatin' on them fo' it. I'm like Miss. Lizabeth, crossin' my legs an' sippin' tea, though all I wanna do his swim naked in the stream. I'm like Mary, smilin' real pretty, though sometime I feel almos' dead inside. I'm like Lloyd's daddy, outwards tellin' everyone that I know what I want an' how I feel, when the truth is jus' the opposite. I like Lloyd, himself, likin' him an' hatin' him jus' the same. I like the Misses, 'cause everythin' in my life ain't my fault. An' I like daddy- cause I believe in Christ ann' go to Church, but then in my head I don't think he as perfect as he ought to be.
The only one I kno' that don't pretend as much, is them colored. They at least kno' their place, don't lie to themselves none. In a way, they sorta lucky. Despite myself, the mention of black skin in my mind makes me think a Samuel. I wish I could talk to him, tell 'em everythin' that I thinkin'. He real smart, can read an' write. He'd kno' what to do.
I sigh into my tea, the slave sendin' another worried look my way. She still fussin' round the kitchen, though it was clean a while back an' keeps on lookin' to me. Maybe she worried I'll go crazy, with all them thoughts buzzin' round my head.
I hope I don't never gotta think a this again, that maybe everythin' will jus' get better from here. I hope I can talk to Samuel soon, meet again at the hiding place I been avoiding. Sit in the dark an' have him comfort me with his words. An' see James again. If I could only make one wish- I'd wish fo' that.
Oh dear God, the Great Lord. I close my eyes an' lower what would be my gaze to the table. My hands clasp together an' I begin my prayer.
Oh dear Mighty Lord in Heaven, Please jus' grant me jus' this one wish. Let me see my brother 'gain, let me hold 'em tight in my arms an' kiss 'es skin. Please Lord. Amen.
