it is the hardest of hard things not to call you right now, but I know it's for the best.
how can I love you when I already love him? how can I love you when I cannot love you? how can every day that passes bring me a new reason to adore every word you say and every silly thing you do, and how can those same days bring the same heartbreak and devastation that has come with the days before them?
how can I write this asinine bullshit without throwing up or killing myself? it's a struggle, I'll tell you.
the other night your words made me question everything and I have been reeling ever since. your fear over what might happen... your admission that something might...
it was more than I could have hoped for and more than I ever would have asked for in the first place. I feel stupid and slow. I feel like you are pulling away from me when all I wanted was to stay away from these feelings so that neither of us would have to.
I feel like I have to stay away now more than ever because losing our friendship feels like the worst thing imaginable... but if I stay away, what kind of friendship can it be, anyway?
the main problem is that I can't decide whether things have changed between us, or if the way I think about them has changed, therefore making things seem different. do I expect more because the way I view our relationship has changed? is the way things usually are failing to live up to the expectations I have unwittingly created? or have you changed too? has this... changed?
I don't know and I'm already tired of wondering. of asking. of having to ask. I want to keep you in the same place you always have been. on the contrary I want the change in your actions to be real, and to mean something... to mean I haven't been thinking in vain this whole time.
I want everything. maybe that's why I never get anything at all.
how can I love you when I already love him? how can I love you when I cannot love you? how can every day that passes bring me a new reason to adore every word you say and every silly thing you do, and how can those same days bring the same heartbreak and devastation that has come with the days before them?
how can I write this asinine bullshit without throwing up or killing myself? it's a struggle, I'll tell you.
the other night your words made me question everything and I have been reeling ever since. your fear over what might happen... your admission that something might...
it was more than I could have hoped for and more than I ever would have asked for in the first place. I feel stupid and slow. I feel like you are pulling away from me when all I wanted was to stay away from these feelings so that neither of us would have to.
I feel like I have to stay away now more than ever because losing our friendship feels like the worst thing imaginable... but if I stay away, what kind of friendship can it be, anyway?
the main problem is that I can't decide whether things have changed between us, or if the way I think about them has changed, therefore making things seem different. do I expect more because the way I view our relationship has changed? is the way things usually are failing to live up to the expectations I have unwittingly created? or have you changed too? has this... changed?
I don't know and I'm already tired of wondering. of asking. of having to ask. I want to keep you in the same place you always have been. on the contrary I want the change in your actions to be real, and to mean something... to mean I haven't been thinking in vain this whole time.
I want everything. maybe that's why I never get anything at all.
