2am again. shucks. I think too much... I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I guess it doesn't really.

it's back to loving him in this simple, 3rd grade pigtail pulling way now. relieving after all the stress and uncertainty. when I looked down on christmas eve and saw blood I immediately started crying.

relief? sadness? maybe a little of both.

I can't deny that in the place between sleep and waking it was so wonderful to imagine something that was a part of both of us, a concrete and eternal something to link us together forever.

I've always been the melodramatic type.

does this mean I love him for real? that the idea of having a baby with him doesn't completely repel me?

dammit. I could have played it cool.

...but the thing is, I'm tired of playing it cool. I crave the kind of honest relationship people only have when they're really in love. it's been so long and I've been so scared but now? now I've miraculously found someone I can trust that also doesn't bore me or skeez me out. someone who shares my love for basketball and day drinking...

...someone who I can see having a future with, not just a complicated fucked up present.

for now, however, I'm compelled to keep quiet. see where the chips fall. not jump the gun. to overuse cliches on these pages and keep the outside collected, calm...

...most of all to hope that someday soon I can drop the act.

here's hoping.