I should probably eat something. I should probably stop being so lazy. I should probably decide whether this shitty feeling is an illness (mental or physical) or just a hangover. I should probably stop checking my phone every thirty seconds just in case you've called.
[30 seconds elapse]
you haven't called.
I have friends, and hobbies, and I'm even kind of talented at a few things. my life, as such, is basically full and happy and satisfying when I bother to examine it...
...but I wake up in the middle of the night with tears on my face, and my head feels heavy and my smiles are sometimes fake. I know this feeling. I remember it from the last time. why do I only want you when you don't want me? is the way I love you sporadically just a symptom of my selfish, fucked up need to WIN at EVERYTHING? if I really loved you, wouldn't I just let you be happy instead of trying to win you back when I know full well I won't want you once I do?
...or will I?
if you turn back these pages you will find a million references to this boy and the strange and sometimes ridiculous things I do in regards to him. if you turn back these pages you will find a million sentences that sound something like "things are different this time".
...they weren't.
we've been doing this dance for almost three years now, back and forth, love and something that's a little less than love. I'm worn out and thirsty and my feet are tired. I just want to walk to some chair on the side of the floor and sit down next to you, maybe lean my head on your shoulder, maybe hold your hand.
the problem is, I don't know if I have the right to anymore.
[30 seconds elapse]
you haven't called.
I have friends, and hobbies, and I'm even kind of talented at a few things. my life, as such, is basically full and happy and satisfying when I bother to examine it...
...but I wake up in the middle of the night with tears on my face, and my head feels heavy and my smiles are sometimes fake. I know this feeling. I remember it from the last time. why do I only want you when you don't want me? is the way I love you sporadically just a symptom of my selfish, fucked up need to WIN at EVERYTHING? if I really loved you, wouldn't I just let you be happy instead of trying to win you back when I know full well I won't want you once I do?
...or will I?
if you turn back these pages you will find a million references to this boy and the strange and sometimes ridiculous things I do in regards to him. if you turn back these pages you will find a million sentences that sound something like "things are different this time".
...they weren't.
we've been doing this dance for almost three years now, back and forth, love and something that's a little less than love. I'm worn out and thirsty and my feet are tired. I just want to walk to some chair on the side of the floor and sit down next to you, maybe lean my head on your shoulder, maybe hold your hand.
the problem is, I don't know if I have the right to anymore.
