it's noon and I'm still in bed again. wondering why I stayed up so late. wondering when this will ever, ever end. go away. be finished once and for all. the problem is I can't chase it away with a stick like a stray dog that tries to follow me home. the problem is I want to invite it in, feed it, let it sleep next to me and curl up at my feet while I read.
instead I'm alone while you are sitting down to brunch. while she is smiling and shaking hands with your father, being hugged by your mother, being teased by your brother and sisters. I'm alone and I have not gotten up or dressed and I am all tangled up in the sheets from tossing and turning all night and yeah, I am on your side of the bed.
I cannot remember ever feeling this way before.
do you still love me or are you just being polite? hedging your bets? if things don't work out with your nice girl will you come back? will I take you? should I? I have walked away from you so many, many times by now but I have never felt what it's like for you to walk away from me.
the problem is I set myself up for this when I called you at work that morning and told you I was leaving, moving in with a lebanese coke dealer. I hope we can still be friends. I wonder if those words hurt you as much as yours hurt me.
our friendship has always meant everything to me.
the worst part is that while it's a total cliche I know you mean it completely. but while our friendship is meaning everything to you she is becoming more and more real in my head. a real girl. a girlfriend. not the older bleached blonde haggard stripper type I'd conjured up in my head to represent her.
I don't know why my mind immediately went there, but it was so much easier to justify the last 6 months when I didn't know anything about her.
ow.
instead I'm alone while you are sitting down to brunch. while she is smiling and shaking hands with your father, being hugged by your mother, being teased by your brother and sisters. I'm alone and I have not gotten up or dressed and I am all tangled up in the sheets from tossing and turning all night and yeah, I am on your side of the bed.
I cannot remember ever feeling this way before.
do you still love me or are you just being polite? hedging your bets? if things don't work out with your nice girl will you come back? will I take you? should I? I have walked away from you so many, many times by now but I have never felt what it's like for you to walk away from me.
the problem is I set myself up for this when I called you at work that morning and told you I was leaving, moving in with a lebanese coke dealer. I hope we can still be friends. I wonder if those words hurt you as much as yours hurt me.
our friendship has always meant everything to me.
the worst part is that while it's a total cliche I know you mean it completely. but while our friendship is meaning everything to you she is becoming more and more real in my head. a real girl. a girlfriend. not the older bleached blonde haggard stripper type I'd conjured up in my head to represent her.
I don't know why my mind immediately went there, but it was so much easier to justify the last 6 months when I didn't know anything about her.
ow.