maybe sometimes all you have to do is get drunk by yourself and feel like crap for a night. at some point I just got tired of pretending. sitting on the balcony rail smoking cigarette after cigarette I gave up the goddamn pretense and just admitted it: I feel like shit. now what?

well, then I got drunk. talked about politics on the phone for a while and passed out on top of the twisted blankets with the phone unplugged and the music turned up too loud. woke up at 7:30 this morning and felt... well, if not better than at least purged. at least sure enough of my place in the world to face another day. I can't live like I've been living, halfway, waiting for something to change. waiting for someone to fix it.

I really should have learned this lesson by now.

so today I'll finally go get the notes on my novel, after that I'll go to the gym, after that? maybe the library. it seems silly, I know, but I feel like doing anything will be better than spending another day with the curtains closed watching tv.

I can't be that guy anymore.

called luci this morning and made (gasp) actual plans to hang out tonight. some social interaction might not be a bad thing. the nice thing about luci is that she's so... present. always fidgeting and talking and singing along, changing the radio station, moving on to the next thing. it's nearly impossible to get too inside your head when you're with her, which in my current predicament is definitely a good thing.

...

forget what used to be where that ellipsis is now. forget that there was ever anything there at all. really.

I already have.