I'm so tired. I hate this feeling. the feeling of not being able to express myself without using a cliche is nearly as bad. the feeling of having just, seconds ago, run out of stolen beer is a close third.
playlist of the last 36 hours:
-james blake: case of you (joni mitchell cover)
"oh, I could drink a case of you, darling / and I would still be on my feet"
-jack the ripper: colin meloy (morrissey cover)
"crash into my arms / I want you."
-fade into you: mazzy star
"fade into you / I think it's strange you never knew."
and those are the only sounds in this room, aside from the clink of the glass on the table and the occasional sniffle. I've never been much of a crier, but sometimes tears just run silently and unchecked down my face without my permission. it's pathetic enough that I can recognize it, but I can't bring myself to care.
the thing that's been plaguing me all day is not just the fact that I still love him and now I have to miss him all over again, but something more subtle and complicated than that:
I think it might really be over. and not because he's over it, or I am, because those things are reversible... young people are always changing their minds, and we've never been the exception. but after the meat grinder we've put each other and our feelings through over the past three years is there any chance whatsoever that we'll be able to have a happy relationship even if the best case scenario happens? even if we, finally and miraculously, find ourselves on the same page again...
what's left, now?
how could we not be suspicious? not constantly wonder who had the upper hand? how could we ever have the carefree, honeymoon period that characterizes a new relationship after everything we've put each other through?
is it over? jesus, I don't even know what I would do.
playlist of the last 36 hours:
-james blake: case of you (joni mitchell cover)
"oh, I could drink a case of you, darling / and I would still be on my feet"
-jack the ripper: colin meloy (morrissey cover)
"crash into my arms / I want you."
-fade into you: mazzy star
"fade into you / I think it's strange you never knew."
and those are the only sounds in this room, aside from the clink of the glass on the table and the occasional sniffle. I've never been much of a crier, but sometimes tears just run silently and unchecked down my face without my permission. it's pathetic enough that I can recognize it, but I can't bring myself to care.
the thing that's been plaguing me all day is not just the fact that I still love him and now I have to miss him all over again, but something more subtle and complicated than that:
I think it might really be over. and not because he's over it, or I am, because those things are reversible... young people are always changing their minds, and we've never been the exception. but after the meat grinder we've put each other and our feelings through over the past three years is there any chance whatsoever that we'll be able to have a happy relationship even if the best case scenario happens? even if we, finally and miraculously, find ourselves on the same page again...
what's left, now?
how could we not be suspicious? not constantly wonder who had the upper hand? how could we ever have the carefree, honeymoon period that characterizes a new relationship after everything we've put each other through?
is it over? jesus, I don't even know what I would do.
