death is in the cards over and over these days. not surprising considering his death is the thing that intertwined us in the first place. not surprising considering he is in my head constantly. in my heart.

please, please don't let me waste this chance.

last night I threw myself into being social. too much, too soon. regressed back to a place in myself I thought I left behind a long time ago. just goes to show you never really change, no matter how hard you try. just goes to expose the same old mess under a new mask.

I should have learned this lesson by now.

this isn't love... it does not bother me to say this isn't love. the tendency is apparently still there to find a crutch when things get too hard. things are so, so hard, and you're so easy to lean on sometimes, darling. I'm sorry if I leaned too hard.

on a winding mountain highway with sun streaming in the windows and the wind whipping our hair into snakes our eyes meet in the rear view mirror.

at two am flying back and forth on a swing tied to a tree I am dizzy and your voice on the phone is reminding me there is ground down there somewhere.

"I think you've made your point." your voice is cutting and I choke on the end of my sentence and shrink to two inches tall.

who are you and what have you done with me?