getting restless again, impatient for things to move forward. even backward or sideways would be a nice change from this... stagnation. the feeling of sinking infinitesimally deeper into mud and being powerless to move a single muscle to stop it, knowing if you don't do something to extricate yourself - and soon - it'll be too late.
melodrama has always been my strong suit, you know.
the real story is that it's fucking hot as hell outside, I'm sick of all my books and my local library is a complete goddamn joke, I have recently discovered I can't subsist on a diet of coconut popsicles alone, and someone drank my last fucking coke. plus, there is a chance I would literally kill someone for a beer and that chance increases exponentially with every word that comes out of my father's mouth.
been too much of a hermit lately, and completely by choice. people call, I don't answer... from experience I know that this will go on for a while and if I don't make an effort to reciprocate these social overtures they will eventually stop being made. the thought is almost narcotic at this point. I once wrote that having friends requires the bare minimum of enough effort to keep yourself from becoming irrelevant. I'm balanced on the knife's edge of fearing the insulated solitude this road will inevitably lead to and being so bored with people that I just don't care anymore.
soon enough I'll have to fall off one edge or another.
is it so much to ask to be inspired by your peers? for life to not be this endless series of compromises for the sake of entertainment, but to actually be rich and full and engaging? "do you know anyone who's happy?" my father asked today, apropos of nothing. I thought and thought and thought and I honestly couldn't think of a single person. I raised my hand sardonically and returned to the all-consuming task of eating my popsicle without letting any drip on the floor.
I feel completely sapped lately, by the heat and the apathy and the effort it requires to be constantly dissatisfied. by the sense of deja vu that contaminates every second of my day. I HAVE ALREADY DONE ALL THIS. I already know there's nothing new to be found but I'm doomed to keep trying or be miserable...god, I'm whiny today.
melodrama has always been my strong suit, you know.
the real story is that it's fucking hot as hell outside, I'm sick of all my books and my local library is a complete goddamn joke, I have recently discovered I can't subsist on a diet of coconut popsicles alone, and someone drank my last fucking coke. plus, there is a chance I would literally kill someone for a beer and that chance increases exponentially with every word that comes out of my father's mouth.
been too much of a hermit lately, and completely by choice. people call, I don't answer... from experience I know that this will go on for a while and if I don't make an effort to reciprocate these social overtures they will eventually stop being made. the thought is almost narcotic at this point. I once wrote that having friends requires the bare minimum of enough effort to keep yourself from becoming irrelevant. I'm balanced on the knife's edge of fearing the insulated solitude this road will inevitably lead to and being so bored with people that I just don't care anymore.
soon enough I'll have to fall off one edge or another.
is it so much to ask to be inspired by your peers? for life to not be this endless series of compromises for the sake of entertainment, but to actually be rich and full and engaging? "do you know anyone who's happy?" my father asked today, apropos of nothing. I thought and thought and thought and I honestly couldn't think of a single person. I raised my hand sardonically and returned to the all-consuming task of eating my popsicle without letting any drip on the floor.
I feel completely sapped lately, by the heat and the apathy and the effort it requires to be constantly dissatisfied. by the sense of deja vu that contaminates every second of my day. I HAVE ALREADY DONE ALL THIS. I already know there's nothing new to be found but I'm doomed to keep trying or be miserable...god, I'm whiny today.
