felt a slight twinge today when I found out he was back. needless to say he hasn't called. it doesn't really matter, I guess. okay, there's really no reason to lie to myself - even if I fully plan on lying to everyone else: for a few minutes after luci so casually mentioned he had returned, it mattered. guess you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to, but willpower has never been my strong suit.
trying to keep luci in her proper place in my perspective is difficult sometimes, it's hard to tell when she's being genuine and when she has some kind of agenda. the way she feels about jason perplexes me completely. it's more proprietary than loving, I think. this is why I haven't had a girl-friend since middle school though, too complicated. sometimes I think I'm too straightforward to have been born a female, and when in the company of other females I always feel like that kid in the back of the class that missed a week of algebra and as a result has absolutely no clue what the squiggles on the board are supposed to mean. my brain hurts from trying to decode ulterior motives, and from the subsequent guilt that comes from not knowing for sure whether they exist or not.
it's okay, tomorrow I will be in the woods and none of this will matter anymore.
tomorrow I will set up my tent and crack a beer and joyously greet all my old friends; friends that have no idea who luci and jason even are, let alone what kind of subtle social politicking is going on between the three of us. thank god.
lately I occasionally look back fondly to a few months ago when I was a hermit. I would go out once a month and people would buy me drinks and ask how I'd been and then I'd go home and that would be it until the next month. I was so bored - which was eventually what drove me out into the world - but things were much simpler.
sometimes I feel like life is just one big catch 22... sometimes I feel like life is just... sometimes I feel.... sometimes...
...nevermind.
trying to keep luci in her proper place in my perspective is difficult sometimes, it's hard to tell when she's being genuine and when she has some kind of agenda. the way she feels about jason perplexes me completely. it's more proprietary than loving, I think. this is why I haven't had a girl-friend since middle school though, too complicated. sometimes I think I'm too straightforward to have been born a female, and when in the company of other females I always feel like that kid in the back of the class that missed a week of algebra and as a result has absolutely no clue what the squiggles on the board are supposed to mean. my brain hurts from trying to decode ulterior motives, and from the subsequent guilt that comes from not knowing for sure whether they exist or not.
it's okay, tomorrow I will be in the woods and none of this will matter anymore.
tomorrow I will set up my tent and crack a beer and joyously greet all my old friends; friends that have no idea who luci and jason even are, let alone what kind of subtle social politicking is going on between the three of us. thank god.
lately I occasionally look back fondly to a few months ago when I was a hermit. I would go out once a month and people would buy me drinks and ask how I'd been and then I'd go home and that would be it until the next month. I was so bored - which was eventually what drove me out into the world - but things were much simpler.
sometimes I feel like life is just one big catch 22... sometimes I feel like life is just... sometimes I feel.... sometimes...
...nevermind.
