today I remember why I can't be around people all the time. spent most of the day laying in bed, literally doing nothing but staring at the ceiling and trying not to think.
trying not to think. trying. not. to. think. trying - and failing - not to think.
sang songs with luci last night, beautiful harmonies which can realistically only get better with less alcohol involved. if we keep working on it I could potentially be performing with them within a few months. something to be excited about, I guess. scary too, though.
big music festival this weekend an hour or two away, most of my friends are going, I am not. jason is already gone. he won't be back until monday and I have to say I'm not disappointed. after spending so much of the recent past living in a bubble where people are nothing more than a mild amusement I'd forgotten how exhausting it is to care, sometimes. to have a reason to consciously reflect on your words and actions and the way they were perceived by the people around you. I feel totally drained.
maybe it's the heat, too, but there's just this lethargy all the way through me. keeping up a socially acceptable version of yourself is harder than it seems. trying to care enough to call people, to answer the phone, to show up at a given place and remember to say things out loud every once in a while.
to put in the necessary effort to keep yourself from becoming irrelevant.
usually it doesn't take long before I decide it's not worth it and go back to my books. this time feels different, though. this time feels better somehow, like maybe despite all my whining and complaining I've finally found some like minded people in this cesspool of a social scene.
maybe after I sleep for a whole weekend I'll continue to investigate.
trying not to think. trying. not. to. think. trying - and failing - not to think.
sang songs with luci last night, beautiful harmonies which can realistically only get better with less alcohol involved. if we keep working on it I could potentially be performing with them within a few months. something to be excited about, I guess. scary too, though.
big music festival this weekend an hour or two away, most of my friends are going, I am not. jason is already gone. he won't be back until monday and I have to say I'm not disappointed. after spending so much of the recent past living in a bubble where people are nothing more than a mild amusement I'd forgotten how exhausting it is to care, sometimes. to have a reason to consciously reflect on your words and actions and the way they were perceived by the people around you. I feel totally drained.
maybe it's the heat, too, but there's just this lethargy all the way through me. keeping up a socially acceptable version of yourself is harder than it seems. trying to care enough to call people, to answer the phone, to show up at a given place and remember to say things out loud every once in a while.
to put in the necessary effort to keep yourself from becoming irrelevant.
usually it doesn't take long before I decide it's not worth it and go back to my books. this time feels different, though. this time feels better somehow, like maybe despite all my whining and complaining I've finally found some like minded people in this cesspool of a social scene.
maybe after I sleep for a whole weekend I'll continue to investigate.
