today I found myself with a considerable amount of money. like, more than I've had in years. though I've been waiting for this for months, somewhere in the back of my head I didn't quite believe it would ever happen. but it has, and now I can buy a coat and some new boots before it gets too much colder, nice smelling shampoo and flannel sheets for my new bed.
today I felt stable and grown-up for the first time in what feels like forever, and I was proud of myself for it.
the sense that my life was well ordered and my feet were on the ground lasted roughly thirty seconds before the phone rang. I didn't answer it because I could barely believe the little name on the screen could actually be representative of the person on the other end of the line.
I spent so long coaxing, cajoling, and outright forcing the memories of the years I shared with him into the place almost-forgotten things haunt... but tonight my defenses were down due to sheer lack of use and the thoughts rushed in like the tide, filling the vacant pools where they used to live, swirling in full color like they'd never been banished at all. the phone rang and rang while my well ordered world tipped sideways and the contents all slid to one side, thumping and scraping and sometimes shattering when they hit the wall.
when I could breathe again I dialed the numbers that my fingers still find automatically, his number, mine, ours. keeping my mind carefully blank I waited for his familiar voice, and when it came the treacherous memories struggled against their bonds, bringing back lover's whispers, cooed endearments, roars of rage, desperate pleas...
the logistical details of the reason for his call are unimportant, or better saved for another time. what matters is that I prolonged the conversation for as long as I reasonably could, asking for details I didn't really need just to soak up the sincerity in his tone. such a far cry from the bitter reproaches which were the last words I heard him utter.
the intervening years folded up nicely into nothing as we chattered companionably for several more minutes, and when that too had run its course there was a silence on the line, tenuous and fragile like the first flight of a baby bird.
"I love you," I swear I heard him say.
today I felt stable and grown-up for the first time in what feels like forever, and I was proud of myself for it.
the sense that my life was well ordered and my feet were on the ground lasted roughly thirty seconds before the phone rang. I didn't answer it because I could barely believe the little name on the screen could actually be representative of the person on the other end of the line.
I spent so long coaxing, cajoling, and outright forcing the memories of the years I shared with him into the place almost-forgotten things haunt... but tonight my defenses were down due to sheer lack of use and the thoughts rushed in like the tide, filling the vacant pools where they used to live, swirling in full color like they'd never been banished at all. the phone rang and rang while my well ordered world tipped sideways and the contents all slid to one side, thumping and scraping and sometimes shattering when they hit the wall.
when I could breathe again I dialed the numbers that my fingers still find automatically, his number, mine, ours. keeping my mind carefully blank I waited for his familiar voice, and when it came the treacherous memories struggled against their bonds, bringing back lover's whispers, cooed endearments, roars of rage, desperate pleas...
the logistical details of the reason for his call are unimportant, or better saved for another time. what matters is that I prolonged the conversation for as long as I reasonably could, asking for details I didn't really need just to soak up the sincerity in his tone. such a far cry from the bitter reproaches which were the last words I heard him utter.
the intervening years folded up nicely into nothing as we chattered companionably for several more minutes, and when that too had run its course there was a silence on the line, tenuous and fragile like the first flight of a baby bird.
"I love you," I swear I heard him say.
