when I'm alone I practice the words I'll use to make this real to you. calmly and without too many tears I explain that the decision has nothing to do with winning you back, with making you love me.

I get stalled after that because for once I cannot predict your reaction.

after three years of nary a single surprise I find myself looking for the first time into the black hole of the unknown, with you in between and no idea what lies on the other side.

for a moment I allow myself to feel guilty for the happiness that is taking root and growing inside me; I know you at least well enough to know what you will think, if not what you'll say.

already I feel everything changing; my body, my thoughts, my outlook. after just a few days I have come to discover that I was made for this, that I can't imagine anything else.

it's so unbelievable how fast life can change.

this is not a fairytale, this is real life. but at least real life doesn't come to an end when the pages of the book do.

"this isn't love, cause if you don't wanna talk about it then it isn't love, and I guess I'm gonna have to live with that,
but I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey or something in between..."

my vision of you now isn't as small as it used to be, not nearly as selfish. I suppose if I have to tie myself to one man for the rest of my life I could do much worse than you. that's about as far as it goes, for the moment.

I am. so. scared.