February 21st, 2015:

There's this rising feeling in me that I can't keep at bay. I can't place what it is exactly. It's everything its not. There's also this sense of disconnect. I feel so out of place, out of time. No part of me belongs, no part of me has a place. Reality is distorted. Nothing really exists.

I went grocery shopping tonight, after a nap. I just wanted something to do, something to satisfy me. But when I arrived at the grocery store, everything was so sharp, and so loud, and almost scary. I didn't feel present, I felt as if I wasn't really there.

A part of me realizes, that I just need someone to ground me. Someone to make sure that I know that I have a place in this world. And those people are usually my family and friends. Both of which I've lacked this weekend. At the same time, I know I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel the urge to jump off a bridge, but I won't lie, I sometimes feel the urge to jump out of my life, out of my skin.

I feel so removed from my life, as if its a movie that I'm watching but have no real role in. Everything goes on without me, hallways empty out, and fill up. Cars swoosh down the roads, and out of sight. I am just merely there. Just merely an observer. There's this panic about that sensation that I try to taper down. I don't want to be an observer, but at the same time I am so deathly afraid that if I try, I will fail. Because I have tried before and I failed.

Moreover, I worry that I am not enough. I won't win these scholarships, college will deny me even though they have already accepted me, that I will get fired from my job, and that I won't be able to do great things one day. I will fall short of everyone's expectations. That I have already fallen short. I have lost faith in my ability to be smart. I have lost faith in the fact that I will be enough. I feel as though, these situations will happen because they will also realize my shortcomings and drop me as a result.


This weekend was a dark weekend. I am feeling so terribly displaced, and so terribly terrified. I will move forward because that's all I can do. And I fervently hope I will turn my face upon the sun and find myself once again. After all, I am the pine and I am the tide.