February 8th, 2015:
I am in the midst of my senior year of high school. Everything is ending and everything is beginning. Winter is quieting, and spring is starting to roar again. My future is becoming tangible now, I can start to form blurry images of where I'll be and who I will be in the years to come.
I have figured out so much of who I am as a person this past year. I have discovered and rediscovered that I like books, clothes, makeup, puppies, endless blue skies, and music that can move. I hate equations, snobby people, and tedious classes. I crave so much: a love so raw and deep that the ocean is jealous, an easy relationship with my mom, and the sweet acidic taste of independence.
Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I picture prom, senior exams, walking out of high school for the very last time, and graduation. I can picture it all so clearly, that I can almost feel the tassel in my face and hear the loud music playing. It cannot come soon enough.
Yet I am also simultaneously filled with a paralyzing fear, that it will all pass by so quickly, that I cannot even form a grasp on it. I fear that those exciting and turbulent days will blink past and I will not have enough time to process it all. Not enough time to say all the words that need to be said, not enough time to give all the goodbyes that need to be done, not enough time to see my friends before they all move into their futures. My fear is that the days will pass, until all I have are fading pictures on the wall, and nothing but the future to hang on to.
As much as I fear, and want, and love, and hope, I also am aware of my own shortcomings. I am so deeply aware that it sometimes even hurts. I am aware that they might not all be true, and some may even be insecurities long in the making, and some may be actual harsh truths. Yet, I cannot help but be aware that I am not enough, nor will I ever be. I know I won't be a person who feels life so intensely that they ache for it, nor will I ever be a person who just takes over life, whose personality is just so magnetic that people can't help but gravitate to.
I am in the midst of my senior year of high school. Everything is ending and everything is beginning. Winter is quieting, and spring is starting to roar again. My future is becoming tangible now, I can start to form blurry images of where I'll be and who I will be in the years to come.
I have figured out so much of who I am as a person this past year. I have discovered and rediscovered that I like books, clothes, makeup, puppies, endless blue skies, and music that can move. I hate equations, snobby people, and tedious classes. I crave so much: a love so raw and deep that the ocean is jealous, an easy relationship with my mom, and the sweet acidic taste of independence.
Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I picture prom, senior exams, walking out of high school for the very last time, and graduation. I can picture it all so clearly, that I can almost feel the tassel in my face and hear the loud music playing. It cannot come soon enough.
Yet I am also simultaneously filled with a paralyzing fear, that it will all pass by so quickly, that I cannot even form a grasp on it. I fear that those exciting and turbulent days will blink past and I will not have enough time to process it all. Not enough time to say all the words that need to be said, not enough time to give all the goodbyes that need to be done, not enough time to see my friends before they all move into their futures. My fear is that the days will pass, until all I have are fading pictures on the wall, and nothing but the future to hang on to.
As much as I fear, and want, and love, and hope, I also am aware of my own shortcomings. I am so deeply aware that it sometimes even hurts. I am aware that they might not all be true, and some may even be insecurities long in the making, and some may be actual harsh truths. Yet, I cannot help but be aware that I am not enough, nor will I ever be. I know I won't be a person who feels life so intensely that they ache for it, nor will I ever be a person who just takes over life, whose personality is just so magnetic that people can't help but gravitate to.
