So, I learned something new about him. He is way more than I thought he was. This realization hit me like someone smacked me in the head with a metal rod. And I could literally hear my heart break. This is too much. I am not even worthy to talk to him. No wonder he never wants to reply me at all when we chat. It is like we are not even from the same planet.
It is time for me to stop. I don't even know if I should apply to his school. It would be too obvious. And I don't think I should go after him any more. I shall not even think of him.
Then, I realized that the only reason I wanted to go to that school was him all along. True, it is a prestigious school. But it was in the middle of nowhere. And completing my bachelor's in the mountain area, it would be hard for me to live in the plains without anything fun to do.
I was relieved. Now I know that I will end up somewhere nice, perhaps the west coast. I shall choose the school based on its location. I have enough being miserable. My grad school years will be the best time of my life.
After I celebrated my liberty, I realized that I do not have motivations any more. I don't want to study. I don't want to try any more. It seems as if I don't want to go to graduate school any more.
I need to get a hold of myself. Going back to being crazy about him will not help.