Is this unhealthy? I shouldn't really thinking about this so much, right? He is probably not even thinking about it. At all. Which makes me think about it more.
I've been thinking enough for the both of us. That is wrong.
I want this feeling to go away. This shredding in my center, like someone is constantly dragging a chisel across my insides, and I can hear every scrape and tear.
You know how life is really annoying and when you don't really want to see someone, you end up seeing them everywhere? Yeah, that was me today. And it was awkward. Because we're both awkward people when it comes to this kind of stuff.
I saw him as I walked out of third period to lunch. I was just walking out, shifting my bag on my shoulder, eyes downward, focused on the ground that was suddenly so interesting. I lifted my head and turned at the exact moment he turned and we locked eyes for a few seconds. I saw the recognition in his eyes and my mind whirled for a second. I was flustered in less than the time it took to look away. I yanked out my phone and pretended to be riveted by its blank screen. I was acutely aware of the fact that he was not five feet away from me, taking steady steps behind me.
Then again, during lunch, as he walked through the doors to the media center. And then yet again, in the most random hallway. I was walking my friend to a class to pick something up, and she was taking forever. I tapped my foot impatiently, wondering what the hell she was doing. Finally, she scrambled back to the door where I was waiting. I wasn't worried about seeing him there. I mean, who goes into that hallway anyways?
But then I saw a class, slowly filtering into the classroom. The crowd shifted and bended and lo and behold, there he was. I pushed my friend to move a little faster, go around the people, even though my presence had already registered in his mind. Great, now I look like I'm stalking him.
That's not even the end. I saw him right after school as I was walking across the quad to the front. Once again, awkward eye contact and recognition of who each other was. Why does life do this? Why does it keep fucking with me? I mean, I've done some bad stuff in my life, but seriously. Life needs to lay off for a little while. I need a breather.
The worst thing about this whole ideal is the fact that, no matter how much I try to persuade myself that he's an asshole, I still have feelings for him.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I've been thinking enough for the both of us. That is wrong.
I want this feeling to go away. This shredding in my center, like someone is constantly dragging a chisel across my insides, and I can hear every scrape and tear.
You know how life is really annoying and when you don't really want to see someone, you end up seeing them everywhere? Yeah, that was me today. And it was awkward. Because we're both awkward people when it comes to this kind of stuff.
I saw him as I walked out of third period to lunch. I was just walking out, shifting my bag on my shoulder, eyes downward, focused on the ground that was suddenly so interesting. I lifted my head and turned at the exact moment he turned and we locked eyes for a few seconds. I saw the recognition in his eyes and my mind whirled for a second. I was flustered in less than the time it took to look away. I yanked out my phone and pretended to be riveted by its blank screen. I was acutely aware of the fact that he was not five feet away from me, taking steady steps behind me.
Then again, during lunch, as he walked through the doors to the media center. And then yet again, in the most random hallway. I was walking my friend to a class to pick something up, and she was taking forever. I tapped my foot impatiently, wondering what the hell she was doing. Finally, she scrambled back to the door where I was waiting. I wasn't worried about seeing him there. I mean, who goes into that hallway anyways?
But then I saw a class, slowly filtering into the classroom. The crowd shifted and bended and lo and behold, there he was. I pushed my friend to move a little faster, go around the people, even though my presence had already registered in his mind. Great, now I look like I'm stalking him.
That's not even the end. I saw him right after school as I was walking across the quad to the front. Once again, awkward eye contact and recognition of who each other was. Why does life do this? Why does it keep fucking with me? I mean, I've done some bad stuff in my life, but seriously. Life needs to lay off for a little while. I need a breather.
The worst thing about this whole ideal is the fact that, no matter how much I try to persuade myself that he's an asshole, I still have feelings for him.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
