Last night I cried, while I thought of the past. It was relieving.
I'm so glad nobody was there to watch. I went on and on about all of those sad things I remembered, and the wasted time and opportunities, and the things you don't notice until it's too late.
After that, I've been feeling nostalgic and incredibly lonely.
Me and my friend were supposed to meet today for lunch, and I was scared, but excited about that. It's been months since I've hanged out with a friend, and I could already feel the awkwardness. We had been planning it for over a week, and last night she said, 'I might not be able to make it, are you free on tuesday?,' just after I had thought, 'God, I hope we can't meet for whatever reason'. Well, wish granted.
I didn't reply, I was really mad at her, when I shouldn't be. But there were just so many things. So many things happening at the same time, at the wrong time, and I didn't want to say anything I would regret.
I know I made a big deal out of it, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't in the best of moods. And I'm so sorry about that. I somehow know what you're thinking. You're annoyed, because you think I'm just mad over it. But it's not that simple. You won't try to apologize. You know it's not your fault, and it's not your style. You'll just let me be until I come to my senses and attempt another fucking pointless conversation with you again. Why do you even reply? I hate this. I hate that you won't tell me anything when I'm trying to fix this. I hate how you can make feel stupid so easily. I hate how you don't know, or don't care. I'm done with this.
And fuck it, I'm keeping your birthday present. I don't think you'd know how to appreciate the effort anyway. This isn't doing any good for me. You're just another thing I have to worry about. Yes, I'm going to miss you, and I'm going to wish I was your friend, and I'm going to feel alone, and I might try to do something about it when I calm down. But right now, I feel the best thing to do is to let you go. Why should I keep you when you're just hurting me? I'm sick of this stupid little game, where we try to pretend we still care about each other. What worries me the most is not losing you, but knowing I have to find someone else.
I'm so glad nobody was there to watch. I went on and on about all of those sad things I remembered, and the wasted time and opportunities, and the things you don't notice until it's too late.
After that, I've been feeling nostalgic and incredibly lonely.
Me and my friend were supposed to meet today for lunch, and I was scared, but excited about that. It's been months since I've hanged out with a friend, and I could already feel the awkwardness. We had been planning it for over a week, and last night she said, 'I might not be able to make it, are you free on tuesday?,' just after I had thought, 'God, I hope we can't meet for whatever reason'. Well, wish granted.
I didn't reply, I was really mad at her, when I shouldn't be. But there were just so many things. So many things happening at the same time, at the wrong time, and I didn't want to say anything I would regret.
I know I made a big deal out of it, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't in the best of moods. And I'm so sorry about that. I somehow know what you're thinking. You're annoyed, because you think I'm just mad over it. But it's not that simple. You won't try to apologize. You know it's not your fault, and it's not your style. You'll just let me be until I come to my senses and attempt another fucking pointless conversation with you again. Why do you even reply? I hate this. I hate that you won't tell me anything when I'm trying to fix this. I hate how you can make feel stupid so easily. I hate how you don't know, or don't care. I'm done with this.
And fuck it, I'm keeping your birthday present. I don't think you'd know how to appreciate the effort anyway. This isn't doing any good for me. You're just another thing I have to worry about. Yes, I'm going to miss you, and I'm going to wish I was your friend, and I'm going to feel alone, and I might try to do something about it when I calm down. But right now, I feel the best thing to do is to let you go. Why should I keep you when you're just hurting me? I'm sick of this stupid little game, where we try to pretend we still care about each other. What worries me the most is not losing you, but knowing I have to find someone else.
