I feel so nasty lately, so detached from everything.
There's been a constant question at the back of my mind.
I've also been considering hurting myself again, and it joys me when i get accidental bruises or cuts. I'm deleting the progress i've made so far, if I ever made any at all. Maybe I had just managed to distract myself from the root of the problem. The sad part, at least to me, is that what's stopping me from actually taking the blade to my skin is the embarrassment that would come if people knew I went back to my 'bad times'. But god, I crave it so much. The burn, the blood coming out and the red swollen bit of skin, a constant reminder, a punishment of sorts for not being good enough.
I try to get my mind off things, I try to treat myself, to make myself feel good, but on the long run it's just making me feel worse and kind of useless. The future that I had once seen is slowly disappearing, suddenly life doesn't seem so promising, suddenly the fact that I'll always be alone becomes more and more real (as dramatic as that sounds). I know you're not supposed to have your life figured out by the time you're my age, but that doesn't mean i can easily see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like a failure who can't even take care of herself, I feel like i'm pushing everyone away while crying over how lonely I am. I hate this. I hate being thrown so off balance whenever i even as much as read the word 'blood'. I hate craving something that's not good for me, something I should be over.
Most of all, I wish I knew what went wrong. And when. Because i thought i was on a good path, I really did, and then suddenly what I had, what I was, wasn't enough, and now being with myself is unbearable and now I don't want to think and instead I go and try to find confort in other things that will do me no good in the end.
There's been a constant question at the back of my mind.
Are you okay?
There's been a constant question at the back of my mind.
I've also been considering hurting myself again, and it joys me when i get accidental bruises or cuts. I'm deleting the progress i've made so far, if I ever made any at all. Maybe I had just managed to distract myself from the root of the problem. The sad part, at least to me, is that what's stopping me from actually taking the blade to my skin is the embarrassment that would come if people knew I went back to my 'bad times'. But god, I crave it so much. The burn, the blood coming out and the red swollen bit of skin, a constant reminder, a punishment of sorts for not being good enough.
I try to get my mind off things, I try to treat myself, to make myself feel good, but on the long run it's just making me feel worse and kind of useless. The future that I had once seen is slowly disappearing, suddenly life doesn't seem so promising, suddenly the fact that I'll always be alone becomes more and more real (as dramatic as that sounds). I know you're not supposed to have your life figured out by the time you're my age, but that doesn't mean i can easily see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like a failure who can't even take care of herself, I feel like i'm pushing everyone away while crying over how lonely I am. I hate this. I hate being thrown so off balance whenever i even as much as read the word 'blood'. I hate craving something that's not good for me, something I should be over.
Most of all, I wish I knew what went wrong. And when. Because i thought i was on a good path, I really did, and then suddenly what I had, what I was, wasn't enough, and now being with myself is unbearable and now I don't want to think and instead I go and try to find confort in other things that will do me no good in the end.
There's been a constant question at the back of my mind.
Are you okay?
