Today I sent myself an e-mail that said 'I just wanna tell you that I'll always love you', partly because of a song I'm obsessed with, but mostly because it's nice to imagine someone else sent it. Or that I actually do love myself. And I don't feel as pathetic as I thought I would about it (Okay, maybe that's a lie 'cause I could never tell anyone about it).
I need it. I need to 'hear' it, even it is from my lying self. Is it a desperate thing to do? Possibly.
I miss talking to people, sometimes, but deep down I know I couldn't handle it.
Two, or was it three?, days ago a girl that I feel stupid calling my friend told me she'd call me so we could meet, and even though I was excited, I found myself wishing she didn't call, and wanting to turn off my phone.
I didn't need to do it, anyway. She never called, and it didn't hurt as much. I'm actually okay with it. At this point it seems normal, and it doesn't bother me one bit (Or maybe it does? Why do I talk about it anyway?) I somehow knew this would happen, and, after all, I didn't want her to call. I'm fine.
I have to admit I do miss certain things. I have to admit I'd like to have a conversation with people I used to enjoy having conversations with. But would they enjoy it?
I feel like a 16 year old having a dilemma about keeping her friends, knowing that things aren't the same because them, and herself, have changed too much, but not wanting to admit it. At the same time, I feel too old for that. I should be over that silly stuff, and worrying about more important things. I tend to blame my immaturity in the, kind of, lack, of social interaction (which might be by itself an immature thing to do).
I don't know if this is a stupid way of thinking, or not (and I wish someone could tell me, if I was even brave enough to talk about this to anyone), but I don't want to change and be a better person if I'm not doing it for anybody. Doing it to just feel better with myself isn't enough motivation. I want someone to witness it, and encourage me.
The monotony seems choking at this point, and I'm about to break down.
This is not a threat, it's me trying to say I need more distractions.
I need it. I need to 'hear' it, even it is from my lying self. Is it a desperate thing to do? Possibly.
I miss talking to people, sometimes, but deep down I know I couldn't handle it.
Two, or was it three?, days ago a girl that I feel stupid calling my friend told me she'd call me so we could meet, and even though I was excited, I found myself wishing she didn't call, and wanting to turn off my phone.
I didn't need to do it, anyway. She never called, and it didn't hurt as much. I'm actually okay with it. At this point it seems normal, and it doesn't bother me one bit (Or maybe it does? Why do I talk about it anyway?) I somehow knew this would happen, and, after all, I didn't want her to call. I'm fine.
I have to admit I do miss certain things. I have to admit I'd like to have a conversation with people I used to enjoy having conversations with. But would they enjoy it?
I feel like a 16 year old having a dilemma about keeping her friends, knowing that things aren't the same because them, and herself, have changed too much, but not wanting to admit it. At the same time, I feel too old for that. I should be over that silly stuff, and worrying about more important things. I tend to blame my immaturity in the, kind of, lack, of social interaction (which might be by itself an immature thing to do).
I don't know if this is a stupid way of thinking, or not (and I wish someone could tell me, if I was even brave enough to talk about this to anyone), but I don't want to change and be a better person if I'm not doing it for anybody. Doing it to just feel better with myself isn't enough motivation. I want someone to witness it, and encourage me.
The monotony seems choking at this point, and I'm about to break down.
This is not a threat, it's me trying to say I need more distractions.
