I know now that I've been walking around broken for months now. I guess a little more than a year. Not a soul has realized, or maybe everyone has. Or just maybe I've always been this way. Maybe since I was young I had always been heartbroken. No, I was happy once. I think. I'm trying to be completely honest but to utter that one truth, I would betray myself in an instant. I just can't do that yet. So lying to myself will suffice as true service to myself. It's sad how one person can have such a profound effect on a person. I've avoided talking about you thus far. I am over you, in all sense of the phrase. There's just something that still sort of brings me back and lets me know that I'm a complete fool for ever letting my heart go there. I don't like that, it's too cheesy, for letting my feelings become romantic towards you. That's better. I guess I might as well revisit it. You had me, it was quite pathetic, and you had me. I haven't been the same since and I don't know if it's because of you or the one that you're with right now. I haven't had enough time to realize that yet. My whole life has been turned upside down due to the fact that you two did what you did. I don't know if I should hate you or thank you. I've lost so many people who I thought cared about me. It doesn't bug me though that they are not with me though. Sometimes you get that pang for what once was, but really and truthfully I'm ok, that Matthew's gone, that Shivone thinks that I'm sketchy. There are people who stood by me, and I love them for it. I let go of Matthew because it was the right thing to do. He seemed to want to be around you, no matter what he said, or the things he said about you, he wanted to be around you. A different version of me would have internalized it and thought that maybe I was just disagreeable, but in all honesty, I don't see it that way. I see it as there will be people in my life that play parts that are essential to the plot of my life, as they call it in the opera, fifth business. They don't have to be main characters or even the antagonist. I think I've come to expect people leaving from my life. Pauline did it. The mention of her name is still able to bring a sting to my eye so strong it's impossible to fight it. My tears are cold for some reason. They're not the hot stinging tears that usually come. So afraid of abandonment, I can't let anyone in and surprisingly you would think, it would be hard to let girls in, its harder to let someone who might potentially love me. You had that chance, I would've let you into my very soul if you had asked. And I have no idea why, why YOU of all people? Looking back at it, though I had said I loved you, now, it was something very different, it was a much different beast.