It doesn't make me want to cry. It makes me want to uncontrollably sob for days on end until the pain has gone away. But its been years, and I there's no reason for me to cry. I didn't know that woman.
For some time now, I've been on edge, a perpetual pit in my stomach that I have done nothing about. Sometimes I think of doing yoga to relax me, but that never comes to fruition. My dad always tells me that I shouldn't get so worked up about everything, that I should relax. My stress probably has a lot to do with my weight. I look up at my family, I've been in my head too long. I hope they haven't noticed. Its one thing for me to daydream but when I'm in my head too long I have a quite sullen look on my face. No need to make them feel like there's a problem. My aunt hands Uncle Lincoln a large plate of spaghetti. That's a weird relationship, but its nice. My cousin's protests are heard. I laugh. She's complaining about how Uncle Lincoln is waited on hand and foot. She proudly boasts about her plans on doing the exact opposite for her future husband. My uncle says they grew up in a different time or something like that. She continues on about it not really being something she wants, marriage and the sort. I remember when I told my dad these things, still do. I guess kids are all the same. But recently, I've experienced something, sort of like an awakening of my maternal extincts. I want a family, I want to have a family with a matriarch, being me. I can't imagine being a grandmother. That I know I can't do. Who can ever really imagine themselves in that situation? I can see myself being a mom, a good one too, which terrifies me. I announce that I've recently started cooking at home, and people like it. They acknowledge it for a second and go on with the conversation. My uncle starts in on Solange, "So I should probably tell Matthew? huh?". Solange rolls her eyes and gets up and fixes her plate of food. Matthew is her boyfriend, I don't like him but then again I don't like any of her boyfriends or any of my friends boyfriends. I'm not gay or anything....It's something about being protective, at least that's the reason I try to tell myself. It's probably because once someone has a boyfriend its no longer just about me. It's odd that I think that way cause I'm not a very self-centered or egotistical person. Or maybe I am and just have never known. It's not like Solange has made it easy to want to like him. She's told me on multiple occasions that he's cheated. "I've told you before Matthew is a second marriage type of guy, I should know"
For some time now, I've been on edge, a perpetual pit in my stomach that I have done nothing about. Sometimes I think of doing yoga to relax me, but that never comes to fruition. My dad always tells me that I shouldn't get so worked up about everything, that I should relax. My stress probably has a lot to do with my weight. I look up at my family, I've been in my head too long. I hope they haven't noticed. Its one thing for me to daydream but when I'm in my head too long I have a quite sullen look on my face. No need to make them feel like there's a problem. My aunt hands Uncle Lincoln a large plate of spaghetti. That's a weird relationship, but its nice. My cousin's protests are heard. I laugh. She's complaining about how Uncle Lincoln is waited on hand and foot. She proudly boasts about her plans on doing the exact opposite for her future husband. My uncle says they grew up in a different time or something like that. She continues on about it not really being something she wants, marriage and the sort. I remember when I told my dad these things, still do. I guess kids are all the same. But recently, I've experienced something, sort of like an awakening of my maternal extincts. I want a family, I want to have a family with a matriarch, being me. I can't imagine being a grandmother. That I know I can't do. Who can ever really imagine themselves in that situation? I can see myself being a mom, a good one too, which terrifies me. I announce that I've recently started cooking at home, and people like it. They acknowledge it for a second and go on with the conversation. My uncle starts in on Solange, "So I should probably tell Matthew? huh?". Solange rolls her eyes and gets up and fixes her plate of food. Matthew is her boyfriend, I don't like him but then again I don't like any of her boyfriends or any of my friends boyfriends. I'm not gay or anything....It's something about being protective, at least that's the reason I try to tell myself. It's probably because once someone has a boyfriend its no longer just about me. It's odd that I think that way cause I'm not a very self-centered or egotistical person. Or maybe I am and just have never known. It's not like Solange has made it easy to want to like him. She's told me on multiple occasions that he's cheated. "I've told you before Matthew is a second marriage type of guy, I should know"
