I've been dreaming, weird dreams, all kind of dreams. This one was about Alana again. I have dreams about becoming her friend again, someone else would take this as a sign, that I should probably reconcile our differences. I'll take it for what its worth, something I don't want to happen. I wonder why its so hard for me to get over. I tell myself I'm over it. Which I really do think I am over it. I just can't seem to get passed when it comes to the continuance of our friendship. It'll always be the elephant in the room. I could be sitting there with her somewhere and for just an instant I would remember why we stopped talking. Why sometimes, I think back and am so angry. That's not something she would ever understand. All she understands is "I want my old life back" and all I can understand is the pain I went through. And it really has nothing to do with the fact that she was with him. That was something I could deal with, that was something that was possible for me to get past. It's the lies, the months of lies, the months of having other people lie. How is it that a person can be with someone for over 4 months 'officially' and unofficially longer than that, and it just not get out there. It's the secrecy that kills me. It's the way she would point the finger this way instead of pointing it at herself. Looking me dead in the eye and saying "you're a bully, everyone thinks so." Thinking about it brings bile to my mouth and a rage so violent its hard to suppress. But I don't want it to be like this, part of me wants us to be okay. To be the same. How do you erase years of closeness? I'm not sure but that's why I don't mind that almost a year later I can't erase her. I don't think I ever really tried to, it takes time to let go of a person, and I don't mind taking that time to let go of her. I realize how harsh it sounds, but she's a toxic person. When we first stopped talking she gathered all her friends and put a sort of friend blockade on me. I never told anyone to stop speaking to her. We were adults it was between the two of us and only us. That's something she never understood. She probably doesn't even get it now. I've had to stop talking to one of our mutual friends. He didn't understand why I couldn't really be a part of her life. He just kept forcing it. I'll miss Matthew, he couldn't choose what he wanted, so I chose for him. It's better this way he won't have to deal with all the unnecessary drama that comes with being in the middle. I just want peace when it comes to this whole situation. People change, they grow, they become different people, some for the better, some for the worse.