There's this one song. It's really beautiful. There's bells or something in the beginning and then the guitar comes in. No its not bells its like a xylophone, which are called bells sometimes. Its the kind of song that makes you happy and sad. Its weird, I'm the happiest when I'm both of these things. I can appreciate the beauty. I'm really scared about everything. Very scared. I'm afraid of everything. I don't know what to do about that. There's a knock on the room door. My grandmother's voice makes its way through the thick wood door. She's asking me if I want something to eat. I get out of bed and open the door and politely decline. I walk to the bathroom. It's been newly renovated well, last year is still a pretty new renovation. I don't like it, it doesn't have that warmth the old one had. Sure it's a lot nicer but I miss those silly wall hangings, Mom, my grandmother had on the wall. They were cute, it was of some blue cat on the toilet, and then there was one of the same blue cat in the tub, and there was that other one with the animated tooth brush and I wonder if it was mouthwash? It's weird how fast a memory can slip past. I brush my teeth. I wish things were different. I just wanna cry right now. Sometimes I think about ending it, who would be the most affected. God I hate my self right now. I feel like such an egotist right now. I hate those brooding suicidal tortured artist types, I hate tortured artist types. Why am I becoming one? I leave the bathroom. There's an omelette drenched in oil. I smell it, coconut oil. My stomach churns a little. There were days when I was excited to eat my grandmother's cooking. She used to make the best spaghetti. I remember coming home from school and being so excited that it would be spaghetti night. I would eat with my cousin next to me and we would watch Nickolodeon or Cartoon Network. On some nights it would be chicken and rice and she would cut up tomatoes to put in my rice. I used to be so excited about everything but that's probably because of the veil of childhood. Now, its just different. My grandparents are pretty much gone. In this moment I think I understand people's fear of getting older. You lose parts of yourself and there is absolutely no way of getting it back, you know only death looms near. It makes you start to think about the fragility of life.