Dear Friend,
I've been writing and deleting this first line over and over because I do not know how to start. You haven't written back and I don't know if I should be worried or relieved. I'm not angry at you; I'm wary. And that's a terrible thing to be around a friend. Why did I never realize how judgmental you can be? I suddenly felt unsafe...
The world will not hold itself to your standards. Maybe we are doomed to always be disappointed by people, though my disappointment is different than yours. I've always looked up to you, and trusted your tastes. But the other day I had to keep repeating to myself that you don't know everything. You, like everyone else, like me, grew up in a specific set of circumstances that blind us to certain things. You will never know how it is to grow up worried about money, to have that worry poison the very air in your home. Nor will you know how it is to grow up as a woman surrounded by the casual sexism of a patriarchal culture. The difference between us stretches far and I look down into a chasm I never noticed before.
But I still value you. I'm not ready to let this relationship wither and die. It's just disheartening to realize how toxic it can be. I need to take a step back, maybe, easier to do with the physical distance between us.
I'm just worried that I'm running away. I feel like I'm always ready to cut and run, to give up on people when they get too complicated. I didn't give up on you before, and I don't want to do that now. But I also have to remind myself to take what I need from people. Maybe the reason why I am often happier alone, why I'm not as lonely as I feel I should be, is because I can be too giving, too eager to please, too afraid to anger or disappoint. People are exhausting.
And I haven't yet found someone I can let down. Someone beside myself.
So this is me being selfish for now,
Mayumi
I've been writing and deleting this first line over and over because I do not know how to start. You haven't written back and I don't know if I should be worried or relieved. I'm not angry at you; I'm wary. And that's a terrible thing to be around a friend. Why did I never realize how judgmental you can be? I suddenly felt unsafe...
The world will not hold itself to your standards. Maybe we are doomed to always be disappointed by people, though my disappointment is different than yours. I've always looked up to you, and trusted your tastes. But the other day I had to keep repeating to myself that you don't know everything. You, like everyone else, like me, grew up in a specific set of circumstances that blind us to certain things. You will never know how it is to grow up worried about money, to have that worry poison the very air in your home. Nor will you know how it is to grow up as a woman surrounded by the casual sexism of a patriarchal culture. The difference between us stretches far and I look down into a chasm I never noticed before.
But I still value you. I'm not ready to let this relationship wither and die. It's just disheartening to realize how toxic it can be. I need to take a step back, maybe, easier to do with the physical distance between us.
I'm just worried that I'm running away. I feel like I'm always ready to cut and run, to give up on people when they get too complicated. I didn't give up on you before, and I don't want to do that now. But I also have to remind myself to take what I need from people. Maybe the reason why I am often happier alone, why I'm not as lonely as I feel I should be, is because I can be too giving, too eager to please, too afraid to anger or disappoint. People are exhausting.
And I haven't yet found someone I can let down. Someone beside myself.
So this is me being selfish for now,
Mayumi
