This morning, my sobriety hit me like a fucking hurricane. After watching the Lost finale finally (what the hell was that, anyway?), I was resolved to believe that I have torn myself away from, or rather should never be able to experience, the love that the characters shared in those final moments. I burst into immediate tears of loneliness, which morphed upon my entering the shower into violent sobs due mostly to my notable affection for (and god damn him for this) that lovely young man. I entertained all sorts of notions on how I could possibly lose his admiration-- how I may have already, how I may be forgotten-- and even, then, how I never had it. Could it be possible that he was just playing the weekend for what it was worth, and indeed upon my return will not seek a similar experience, having had it and disposed of it once already?
My goal in the matter is not to tie him down, but to find at least some time in which we might each enjoy the company of the other. I specify this because it will not be worthwhile to me (and indeed, the situation is hardly worthwhile currently, but instead ridiculous and therefore necessary) if only one party sustains the connection-- and the situation will immediately cease to be worthwhile and cease to be in itself the second either party wishes to be removed from it.
All this talk of what things are worth sickens me. I understand that I am in a sort of race for money, but I also must take some recent advice to heart: I must not ignore the notion of love. This advice will be taken all too willingly by me, though how it all plays out with the young man (if it is to play out: let's not forget that clause) must take place in something of a loose atmosphere. The affection must be forward on either side, but I must also work to stay solitary and independent BECAUSE I know it is there, because I seek not to frighten him, and because I'd rather not make this situation more difficult than the level already called for.