She just sat there, yet again, looking out the window, wondering if things were ever going to change for her.
She was not hoping they would, more like pondering if the universe would be kind enough.
As she concluded it wouldn't, she closed her eyes, and tried to remember how that one song went. The one she loved. The one that made her want to scream, and cry, and laugh, and die from ecstasy. The one that made her heart feel so overwhelmed, she thought it was going to explode.
But she couldn't.
She couldn't, because she kept replaying that night in her head, and she couldn't stop the visions from coming, over and over and over again.
She opened her eyes, suddenly scared of being eaten alive by these stupid memories, and decided it was time for a walk.
It was chilly, but that didn't make her want to put her sweater on. She wanted to freeze out there, as if the cold would erase those memories from her head.
She found herself wanting a hug, which made her laugh, which made her think how weird it would be to see a girl out in a cool day, without a coat on, laughing by herself, which made her want to stop laughing, but just the fact that she was thinking about these things seemed so ridiculous, that she had to keep laughing.
It felt good.
It felt good to let go, and to stop caring about the past, and the future, even for a tiny while.
She wanted to bottle that moment of bliss, of stupid bliss, and put it under her bed, where nobody would think of looking.
Then the moment was gone, as soon as it came.
She felt bipolar, and pathetic, and whiny, and sad, and lonely.
She wanted to keep walking, but she wasn't brave enough, so she turned back, and started heading home. She didn't know where she wanted to be anymore. Her bones ached from the cold, and she had to remind herself it had to be this way.
She was not hoping they would, more like pondering if the universe would be kind enough.
As she concluded it wouldn't, she closed her eyes, and tried to remember how that one song went. The one she loved. The one that made her want to scream, and cry, and laugh, and die from ecstasy. The one that made her heart feel so overwhelmed, she thought it was going to explode.
But she couldn't.
She couldn't, because she kept replaying that night in her head, and she couldn't stop the visions from coming, over and over and over again.
She opened her eyes, suddenly scared of being eaten alive by these stupid memories, and decided it was time for a walk.
It was chilly, but that didn't make her want to put her sweater on. She wanted to freeze out there, as if the cold would erase those memories from her head.
She found herself wanting a hug, which made her laugh, which made her think how weird it would be to see a girl out in a cool day, without a coat on, laughing by herself, which made her want to stop laughing, but just the fact that she was thinking about these things seemed so ridiculous, that she had to keep laughing.
It felt good.
It felt good to let go, and to stop caring about the past, and the future, even for a tiny while.
She wanted to bottle that moment of bliss, of stupid bliss, and put it under her bed, where nobody would think of looking.
Then the moment was gone, as soon as it came.
She felt bipolar, and pathetic, and whiny, and sad, and lonely.
She wanted to keep walking, but she wasn't brave enough, so she turned back, and started heading home. She didn't know where she wanted to be anymore. Her bones ached from the cold, and she had to remind herself it had to be this way.
