I can't spite them for having lives, they everyone needs to be around for my benefit, but their timing is certainly uncanny.
Tueday, May 11, 2010
So I'm here, again, alone at night, wallowing in my self pity. One of my closest friends hasn't spoken to me for days, though it hasn't really bothered me till now. There's my ex-girlfriend, but I'm sure she'll tell me she has to go to bed the moment I speak to her.
This site is for writing a book, but I'm apparently using it write out my whiny introspective that no one cares about.
Well, nights like this I think about my father, who after much abuse, left my family in a divorce. Good riddance, his leaving my life never bothered me, but it hit me tonight, I'll never have the experience of a loving father. I only have one life and I'll never feel the love, respect or connection they claim a father and son to have. I'll never learn anything from him, I'll never like him, I'll never love him.
I remember on my 22nd birthday, I was at his house. My older, mentally handicapped half sister was there. Him finding out I drank and smoked, prompted him to bust out a bottle of cactus juice and a joint... jackass. He told me "You know, Jordan, I can never be a father to you. I can't give you money, but I can be your friend". Upon hearing this, I had to get the fuck out of there. So you're not my father, you absolve all responsibility for my existence and upbringing, but you want to be pals? I don't make a habit of making friends with completely self-righteous ass holes. Upon learning I was a pan-sexual atheist, he said to me "you're a good, straight, Christian boy". I heard that and suddenly was assured that there was no god, and my choice in belief systems was not ill placed.
It's funny how comfortable one can feel with so much anger and hatred towards one person. I'm sure someone would argue that it's not healthy.
In all of this, what really pains me isn't that I have no father worth mentioning to anyone who enters my life, but that I'll never experience the joy of having that positive male figure in my life. I don't care that my father, specifically, is the greatest force of evil to ever touch my life, I just wish that some day, maybe I'd know what it's like to have a real dad.
Tueday, May 11, 2010
So I'm here, again, alone at night, wallowing in my self pity. One of my closest friends hasn't spoken to me for days, though it hasn't really bothered me till now. There's my ex-girlfriend, but I'm sure she'll tell me she has to go to bed the moment I speak to her.
This site is for writing a book, but I'm apparently using it write out my whiny introspective that no one cares about.
Well, nights like this I think about my father, who after much abuse, left my family in a divorce. Good riddance, his leaving my life never bothered me, but it hit me tonight, I'll never have the experience of a loving father. I only have one life and I'll never feel the love, respect or connection they claim a father and son to have. I'll never learn anything from him, I'll never like him, I'll never love him.
I remember on my 22nd birthday, I was at his house. My older, mentally handicapped half sister was there. Him finding out I drank and smoked, prompted him to bust out a bottle of cactus juice and a joint... jackass. He told me "You know, Jordan, I can never be a father to you. I can't give you money, but I can be your friend". Upon hearing this, I had to get the fuck out of there. So you're not my father, you absolve all responsibility for my existence and upbringing, but you want to be pals? I don't make a habit of making friends with completely self-righteous ass holes. Upon learning I was a pan-sexual atheist, he said to me "you're a good, straight, Christian boy". I heard that and suddenly was assured that there was no god, and my choice in belief systems was not ill placed.
It's funny how comfortable one can feel with so much anger and hatred towards one person. I'm sure someone would argue that it's not healthy.
In all of this, what really pains me isn't that I have no father worth mentioning to anyone who enters my life, but that I'll never experience the joy of having that positive male figure in my life. I don't care that my father, specifically, is the greatest force of evil to ever touch my life, I just wish that some day, maybe I'd know what it's like to have a real dad.
