June 25. 2010
The way the world works really fucks with me. I was told that hard work and creativity could get me somewhere in life. Now, I'm trying real hard to be a good, generous and loving person (and keep my big mouth under control). When you need my help, I'm there. If you need a favor, I'm your man. Need someone to talk to? I'll listen. I try to keep my integrity. I have female friends, not women that I'm waiting for the opportunity to fuck. Sure, I have my bad side, but I try to keep it in check and mostly succeed.
I don't have a job, so I work every day building the catalogue and skills for what I hope will some day be my career. I organize my business as much as I possibly can manage and have two great people working with me to achieve our goals. Hopefully soon we'll find a permanent fourth. No one knows exactly what I'd give to tell them "We can do nothing but work constantly for this moment." That uninterrupted time together would be the most frighteningly beautiful thing I could possibly think of, and by the time we are done, we won't need it anymore. We'll be able to stand on our own.
Unfortunately, I need a day job that I do not have. I love working so much, if I'm not working on my own projects and hopeful career, I'm working out of the sheer enjoyment of having something to do. Especially if it's helping someone (god help me, I even liked retail work). And I don't really know why I don't have that average Joe job to get me where I need to go. I apply even at the lowliest of places, I work hard as I possibly can, I treat everyone I can nicely. Is there something wrong with me, or the way I act? But this isn't just the "what's wrong with me" pity writing. This is me wondering exactly why I need someone else to make my money. Why do I need someone else to make my dreams happen? Why is it that in my desperately constant work that I love to death when I succeed with and spiral into suicidal dementia when I fail, relies on some other person to give me that job? I've had three normal jobs in my life, two that lasted for multiple years, that I loved to death. I have had hundreds of interviews since then, tried many different methods of dealing with them, and never gotten a call back. I desperately need work
The way the world works really fucks with me. I was told that hard work and creativity could get me somewhere in life. Now, I'm trying real hard to be a good, generous and loving person (and keep my big mouth under control). When you need my help, I'm there. If you need a favor, I'm your man. Need someone to talk to? I'll listen. I try to keep my integrity. I have female friends, not women that I'm waiting for the opportunity to fuck. Sure, I have my bad side, but I try to keep it in check and mostly succeed.
I don't have a job, so I work every day building the catalogue and skills for what I hope will some day be my career. I organize my business as much as I possibly can manage and have two great people working with me to achieve our goals. Hopefully soon we'll find a permanent fourth. No one knows exactly what I'd give to tell them "We can do nothing but work constantly for this moment." That uninterrupted time together would be the most frighteningly beautiful thing I could possibly think of, and by the time we are done, we won't need it anymore. We'll be able to stand on our own.
Unfortunately, I need a day job that I do not have. I love working so much, if I'm not working on my own projects and hopeful career, I'm working out of the sheer enjoyment of having something to do. Especially if it's helping someone (god help me, I even liked retail work). And I don't really know why I don't have that average Joe job to get me where I need to go. I apply even at the lowliest of places, I work hard as I possibly can, I treat everyone I can nicely. Is there something wrong with me, or the way I act? But this isn't just the "what's wrong with me" pity writing. This is me wondering exactly why I need someone else to make my money. Why do I need someone else to make my dreams happen? Why is it that in my desperately constant work that I love to death when I succeed with and spiral into suicidal dementia when I fail, relies on some other person to give me that job? I've had three normal jobs in my life, two that lasted for multiple years, that I loved to death. I have had hundreds of interviews since then, tried many different methods of dealing with them, and never gotten a call back. I desperately need work
