I'm often amused with what a nihilist I'm becoming. Sadly juxtaposed to my knee-jerk reaction to speak in front of people at great length. A reflex, I do believe, that needs to be crushed. Sadly lately I've been far too busy trying to make progress in my chosen field to really work on that. I suppose a push for success isn't exactly a nihilist's action. Perhaps that's not even the word I'm going for, but that's the one I'm using at the moment (for lack of a current better).
Nothing matters, there is no meaning, I'm not concerned with anything or anyone, and 90% of the time it's quite freeing. I'm not concerned with good or bad, heaven or hell, right or wrong. I'm not concerned with the news, murders, oil spills, stuff that would normally piss me off. I just don't care. The only thing ever on my mind is how to work harder and better. And the occasional (okay, constant) drink. I wish marijuana were legal, it's cheaper. At least I hope its medical counterpart is priced similarly to buying from Joe Dumbass.
My real problem with this whole situation is that in my push to do better, I can't be productive 24/7, no matter how hard I try. Work consumes me, but my work is not one of consistency by nature, therefor I can't always produce results, I just have to keep working till they work out. That's fucking unnerving in all sorts of ways.
But that's just one half of one consistent issue. Late at night, when I wake up after for hours of sleep, my brain is screaming for productivity. Ever do that? Ever wake up, after a short sleep, want to do everything in the world but barely have the energy to get up to take a piss? In that struggling haze between two emotions, I get really lonely. I'll scour my buddy lists for someone to speak to, check my phone for someone who doesn't mind me calling them at 4am. Funny thing is, that's when everyone who's normally around late decides to go. I hear all sorts of reasons why they're going to sleep, or too busy to deal with me, but it always happens in a funny way, as if the world is orchestrated to avoid me when I'm in pain. I'm not looking to dump my idiotic problems on their shoulders, just general conversation, and I
Nothing matters, there is no meaning, I'm not concerned with anything or anyone, and 90% of the time it's quite freeing. I'm not concerned with good or bad, heaven or hell, right or wrong. I'm not concerned with the news, murders, oil spills, stuff that would normally piss me off. I just don't care. The only thing ever on my mind is how to work harder and better. And the occasional (okay, constant) drink. I wish marijuana were legal, it's cheaper. At least I hope its medical counterpart is priced similarly to buying from Joe Dumbass.
My real problem with this whole situation is that in my push to do better, I can't be productive 24/7, no matter how hard I try. Work consumes me, but my work is not one of consistency by nature, therefor I can't always produce results, I just have to keep working till they work out. That's fucking unnerving in all sorts of ways.
But that's just one half of one consistent issue. Late at night, when I wake up after for hours of sleep, my brain is screaming for productivity. Ever do that? Ever wake up, after a short sleep, want to do everything in the world but barely have the energy to get up to take a piss? In that struggling haze between two emotions, I get really lonely. I'll scour my buddy lists for someone to speak to, check my phone for someone who doesn't mind me calling them at 4am. Funny thing is, that's when everyone who's normally around late decides to go. I hear all sorts of reasons why they're going to sleep, or too busy to deal with me, but it always happens in a funny way, as if the world is orchestrated to avoid me when I'm in pain. I'm not looking to dump my idiotic problems on their shoulders, just general conversation, and I
