sam,

there's definitely been some sort of a shift between us lately, and I think my overall return to form (i.e. complete neurotic girlishness) probably has something to do with it. lately I think about you semi-constantly, which is nothing too out of the ordinary, but does certainly lead to more phone calls than you're probably used to.

what is slightly out of the ordinary however, is how tired I always am. how the smallest thing reduces me to the verge of tears (you know I'm not usually the over-emotional type). how my body chemistry seems to be subtly changing. how my back, usually pain-free, has been aching semi-constantly.

when I looked down on christmas eve and saw blood I nearly cried in relief, (I'm not the crying type, either). relief so overwhelming and powerful that it caused me to do several other uncharacteristic things - ignore details, for example...

of course, I've looked up the symptoms for this "condition" (I can't even write the word), and am now torturing myself, while likely increasing the prevalence of said symptoms psychosomatically with every passing second...

knowing you, I can at least loosely predict the outcome should I be forced to confess this predicament to you... you'll be all concerned and supportive, ask me all kinds of unanswerable questions, never show me the way you really feel about it. you're a stand up guy, sam; I can't imagine you'll deviate very far from that script even as your dreams - so close to being realized - implode in your mind's eye.

and then what? then I have a partner that wasn't even sure he wanted to be any such thing until a cataclysmic event forced him to "do the right thing"?

jesus. it couldn't sound any worse.

or could it?

signed, sincerely, me.