baby,
you don't exist yet, and I couldn't be happier about that, if we're being honest.
today you almost caused me a minor nervous breakdown, for the last month you've caused me no shortage of them. plus, the mere threat of your existence severely jeopardized my relationship with the guy who would have been your father.
the reason I didn't want you to exist yet has nothing to do with anything about you personally, it's just that I subsist almost wholly on student loans, and your father works the graveyard shift at the plaid pantry almost 300 miles away and...
well, we still have a lot to work out, baby that isn't really a baby yet, and when you are conceived and carried and born I want it to be at a time when I have the capacity to love you the way you deserve. I also want to love your father the way he deserves, and I want him to love me the way I deserve, and while we do love each other very, very much in a way...
we still have a long way to go before you coming into the world would be a positive thing for either of us. or for you.
so for now, you're just a little face in my dreams. a little tweak beneath my rib cage when I feel the warm weight of a sleeping infant in my arms. a guessing game I play: his hair, my eyes, his lips, my nose. for now you're just a far off fantasy.
but someday you'll be more than that. more than a feeling of complete relief at the uttering of the word "negative". someday you'll be my baby, our baby. and while I'm getting our little world ready for you, you'll just have to be patient, because baby - you're going to have the best life.
I love you so much already and you've never even been a fertilized egg.
signed, sincerely, me.
you don't exist yet, and I couldn't be happier about that, if we're being honest.
today you almost caused me a minor nervous breakdown, for the last month you've caused me no shortage of them. plus, the mere threat of your existence severely jeopardized my relationship with the guy who would have been your father.
the reason I didn't want you to exist yet has nothing to do with anything about you personally, it's just that I subsist almost wholly on student loans, and your father works the graveyard shift at the plaid pantry almost 300 miles away and...
well, we still have a lot to work out, baby that isn't really a baby yet, and when you are conceived and carried and born I want it to be at a time when I have the capacity to love you the way you deserve. I also want to love your father the way he deserves, and I want him to love me the way I deserve, and while we do love each other very, very much in a way...
we still have a long way to go before you coming into the world would be a positive thing for either of us. or for you.
so for now, you're just a little face in my dreams. a little tweak beneath my rib cage when I feel the warm weight of a sleeping infant in my arms. a guessing game I play: his hair, my eyes, his lips, my nose. for now you're just a far off fantasy.
but someday you'll be more than that. more than a feeling of complete relief at the uttering of the word "negative". someday you'll be my baby, our baby. and while I'm getting our little world ready for you, you'll just have to be patient, because baby - you're going to have the best life.
I love you so much already and you've never even been a fertilized egg.
signed, sincerely, me.
