"How?" He asks simply.
I sigh, exasperatedly. If he doesn't get it now, will he ever get it? Was it really the right thing to speak to him about my darkest secret? He has the perfect life, of course he won't understand. "It's hard to explain." I mutter in resignation.
It was a bad idea to show him in the first place, there's no use in digging myself a deeper grave.
"Well try." He pleads, removing his hand from my arm and using it to tip my chin up so I am forced to stare into his face. "For me?"
The tone of his voice gets to me, and I find myself beginning to re-explain as he drops his hand from my face. "I guess it's just knowing that when someone hurts me, I can always hurt myself more. The pain of cutting and seeing physical results is better than the pain of being hurt emotionally and feeling those terrible results. You know?"
He shakes his head. "No, I don't."
"In a way, I can become untouchable." I say simply, like I've explained it a thousand times. "Unaltered by any words spoken to me. It's like turning yourself into a robot. You don't have any feelings, and it's better that way, because you never subject yourself to pain that you can't handle. You know that you'll be able to punish yourself in a greater way."
He doesn't seem satisfied with this answer, though I've told him almost everything now. "But...what could make you do that?" He asks. "What hurts you so much that you'd do this to yourself?" He pauses for a second, before adding in a quiet voice: "Or, who?"
I feel those crumbling walls fixing themselves again. The minute I open up to him, he has to go and say something stupid; making me resort to automatic reflexes again.
"You know what? Never mind. Forget about it." I tell him, standing. If he isn't satisfied with the answer I gave him, he doesn't need any elaboration.
He rolls his eyes, mimicking my actions, so we're face to face. "You are not doing this again. Sit down." He commands tightly, his jaw clenching in annoyance.
"Why?" I retort. "So you can grill me on what happens in my house every day? Or maybe so you can call me crazy like anyone else would? I'm used to it, Harrison. There's nothing you can say or do that will phase me!" My voice has gotten considerably louder, and I'm afraid that if he says something else, I'll wake Lilly, Ginger, and possibly the rest of their neighborhood.
He groans frustratedly, running a hand through his curly hair. "Why are you making this so hard?" He asks sadly.
I sigh, exasperatedly. If he doesn't get it now, will he ever get it? Was it really the right thing to speak to him about my darkest secret? He has the perfect life, of course he won't understand. "It's hard to explain." I mutter in resignation.
It was a bad idea to show him in the first place, there's no use in digging myself a deeper grave.
"Well try." He pleads, removing his hand from my arm and using it to tip my chin up so I am forced to stare into his face. "For me?"
The tone of his voice gets to me, and I find myself beginning to re-explain as he drops his hand from my face. "I guess it's just knowing that when someone hurts me, I can always hurt myself more. The pain of cutting and seeing physical results is better than the pain of being hurt emotionally and feeling those terrible results. You know?"
He shakes his head. "No, I don't."
"In a way, I can become untouchable." I say simply, like I've explained it a thousand times. "Unaltered by any words spoken to me. It's like turning yourself into a robot. You don't have any feelings, and it's better that way, because you never subject yourself to pain that you can't handle. You know that you'll be able to punish yourself in a greater way."
He doesn't seem satisfied with this answer, though I've told him almost everything now. "But...what could make you do that?" He asks. "What hurts you so much that you'd do this to yourself?" He pauses for a second, before adding in a quiet voice: "Or, who?"
I feel those crumbling walls fixing themselves again. The minute I open up to him, he has to go and say something stupid; making me resort to automatic reflexes again.
"You know what? Never mind. Forget about it." I tell him, standing. If he isn't satisfied with the answer I gave him, he doesn't need any elaboration.
He rolls his eyes, mimicking my actions, so we're face to face. "You are not doing this again. Sit down." He commands tightly, his jaw clenching in annoyance.
"Why?" I retort. "So you can grill me on what happens in my house every day? Or maybe so you can call me crazy like anyone else would? I'm used to it, Harrison. There's nothing you can say or do that will phase me!" My voice has gotten considerably louder, and I'm afraid that if he says something else, I'll wake Lilly, Ginger, and possibly the rest of their neighborhood.
He groans frustratedly, running a hand through his curly hair. "Why are you making this so hard?" He asks sadly.
