She was on the verge of tears again. It had been like this for the past few weeks -- heck, probably the past few months, but who's counting? -- but she kept trying to hold back. After all, she had all the free time in the world, she lived with a boyfriend who spoiled her, and she was still on good terms with her parents.
But everything left unsaid was eating away at her. She still didn't trust him, even six months after the incident. She was afraid she would never trust him again. She wanted to live alone. She didn't have a job, and didn't know if she could handle more than one class in the fall. She had gained 35 pounds since meeting him, and she was struggling to not gain more. She was considered obese now, and couldn't stand the sight or feel of her body. It wasn't that she didn't try to lose the weight; she was trying to eat less and to make healthier choices. But she liked to work out at midnight, and he had been working every night for the past few weeks, so he couldn't go with her. She didn't like going alone, because it was dark out and she didn't trust strangers. She had planned on losing at least fifteen pounds by the end of summer. That was two months ago, and she was now above where she had started. Only by a pound, but it still counted.
Her friends were leaving her, and he didn't approve of the friends she had tried to hold on to, so she let them go, too. She had no god, no faith in anything, and more and more there were questions that came up that terrified her, because she didn't know the answers. What happened when people died? What if she died and that was it, just an end to existence? She didn't like that.
She was lonely and bored and disgusted with herself, and it all brought up ugly thoughts and made her cry and hug herself and try to just get through the next hour. She was unhappy, and she didn't know how to fix it.
But everything left unsaid was eating away at her. She still didn't trust him, even six months after the incident. She was afraid she would never trust him again. She wanted to live alone. She didn't have a job, and didn't know if she could handle more than one class in the fall. She had gained 35 pounds since meeting him, and she was struggling to not gain more. She was considered obese now, and couldn't stand the sight or feel of her body. It wasn't that she didn't try to lose the weight; she was trying to eat less and to make healthier choices. But she liked to work out at midnight, and he had been working every night for the past few weeks, so he couldn't go with her. She didn't like going alone, because it was dark out and she didn't trust strangers. She had planned on losing at least fifteen pounds by the end of summer. That was two months ago, and she was now above where she had started. Only by a pound, but it still counted.
Her friends were leaving her, and he didn't approve of the friends she had tried to hold on to, so she let them go, too. She had no god, no faith in anything, and more and more there were questions that came up that terrified her, because she didn't know the answers. What happened when people died? What if she died and that was it, just an end to existence? She didn't like that.
She was lonely and bored and disgusted with herself, and it all brought up ugly thoughts and made her cry and hug herself and try to just get through the next hour. She was unhappy, and she didn't know how to fix it.
