People say that hope is a good thing, that it makes you strong and gives you something to look forward to, that it can give you strength and promise. I'm sick of hoping. I'm tired of hoping that he will say "I love you" first; that he will surprise me; that he will tell me how important I am to him; that I will feel adored; that my presence in his life is essential to him - not because I am a good mother to our children- but because i mean something to him. I keep hoping that the overwhelming true love that others talk about is real, but I don't know if I truly believe in it anymore. I am tired of hoping that one day he will realize that my expectations of love and companionship are not unreasonable or that he will make an effort to recognize how his lack of attention and intent is hurtful and demeaning.

I am learning to not rely on him for any of my happiness and to have no expectations of him. But it's difficult. I still cry every day and wonder where in the hell my life is going. How long will I allow myself to live like this? How long will I go on wondering what is so wrong with me that he doesn't even make an effort? How long will I blame myself and let him blame me while allowing him to bear no blame or responsibility? I'm tired of hiding. But I don't know where I will find the strength to stand up for myself and be the important, special, strong-spirited woman that I know I am. Was. Hope to be. Am seen as.

When did I lose my spirit? How did I let that happen? Why do I keep pretending? Why did I allow him to take it from me? Why doesn't he understand?

This is supposed to be my year, when I was going to find myself again. Thing is, I dont know where to look anymore.

I hate being sad...it is unattractive and does not inspire confidence. This is not who I am.