so, more with the happiness thing. generally, life is good. i have a home, a good job, the best kids in the world, food in the fridge, and a view of the ocean. many things make me happy. my favourite chair, for example, that is positioned next to the fireplace and with a perfect view of the ocean. a well-stocked kitchen for kickin' meals and enormously fun prep. good books. a memory foam mattress topper. weed.

but have i invested the right energy in my love life? he is a good person and i think he loves me but is it enough that every year i am relieved that we made it through another year without splitting up? shouldn't we be looking forward to every year for its new adventures, strong bonding, laughter, and togetherness? he doesn't trust me and doesn't hesitate to make that known to me regularly. he has never apologised for what he did that was so wrong and hurtful, which says to me that he doesn't think he did anything wrong. the past just never goes away. i need a present and future in which i feel freedom, life, love, anticipation, and most of all, balance. sometimes i don't know if i can achieve that with him. i don't necessarily want to achieve that without him, but i can no longer depend on anyone else for my happiness. it's up to me. how do i build up the courage? were does that come from?

i can't stop thinking about him and imagining all the beautiful moments that we could share. but we don't. partly my fault, i know. but it sure would be nice.