And what have we learnt, hmm?
Well, let's see.
Terry taught me I can't trust anyone, that even the person you thought would never hurt you, will. Badly.
Jacob taught me that no one will break their rules for me. I'm not enough incentive to unbend a little and risk.
Greyson ... he taught me that I'm only enough when he wants to get his rocks off and is feeling sorry for me.
And Eli? Well, Eli helpfully reinforced the fact that I am never enough. That no matter how wonderful and amazing a guy may say he thinks I am, no matter how he'll tell me I deserve someone - it will never be him because he never wants me because I am never enough.
This is not new. This is old. This is in my bones. In my skin. Pulsing through my veins, riding about in my blood. I am a fool. I have never been enough for any guy to take a risk on. Jeremy says he loves me but he's wrong, lying to himself. He loves an idea of me. Something to keep him warm at night when he is contemplating the mistake that is his marriage. He doesn't want me, not like he thinks he does - he was never willing to risk things before he put a ring on her finger and pursue me properly. And Sam? He only told me that he was attracted to me once thousands of kilometres lay between us and he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of the revelation. Lloyd? He flirts with me for reasons that I cannot fathom. Maybe because I am a safe, distant option - reality free. Far away from his daily life, I am more a concept than a person.
People tell me that I'll meet the 'right' guy some day. That this mythical man who wants me enough will someday fall from the sky and birds will sing and all will be well. I say BULLSHIT. I say this will not happen. I say I am a pathetic fool who needs to stop caring about all of this. I need to shut myself down again. Close down my tactile needs, pack them away, and be safe behind my walls once more.
Well, let's see.
Terry taught me I can't trust anyone, that even the person you thought would never hurt you, will. Badly.
Jacob taught me that no one will break their rules for me. I'm not enough incentive to unbend a little and risk.
Greyson ... he taught me that I'm only enough when he wants to get his rocks off and is feeling sorry for me.
And Eli? Well, Eli helpfully reinforced the fact that I am never enough. That no matter how wonderful and amazing a guy may say he thinks I am, no matter how he'll tell me I deserve someone - it will never be him because he never wants me because I am never enough.
This is not new. This is old. This is in my bones. In my skin. Pulsing through my veins, riding about in my blood. I am a fool. I have never been enough for any guy to take a risk on. Jeremy says he loves me but he's wrong, lying to himself. He loves an idea of me. Something to keep him warm at night when he is contemplating the mistake that is his marriage. He doesn't want me, not like he thinks he does - he was never willing to risk things before he put a ring on her finger and pursue me properly. And Sam? He only told me that he was attracted to me once thousands of kilometres lay between us and he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of the revelation. Lloyd? He flirts with me for reasons that I cannot fathom. Maybe because I am a safe, distant option - reality free. Far away from his daily life, I am more a concept than a person.
People tell me that I'll meet the 'right' guy some day. That this mythical man who wants me enough will someday fall from the sky and birds will sing and all will be well. I say BULLSHIT. I say this will not happen. I say I am a pathetic fool who needs to stop caring about all of this. I need to shut myself down again. Close down my tactile needs, pack them away, and be safe behind my walls once more.
