I told Shae about my dalliance with danger, of falling deep back into habits and comforts I've tried so hard to shed. I sobbed, quite literally sobbed, gasped, hacked, wheezed, choked, lost my breath. I never knew my body could contort the way it did as each sound made its way out of my throat. He was terrified, stroking my hair, "Oh, baby. Oh, Ellie," he breathed over and over, not knowing the depth of the horror in me until those moments.
Quite literally, horrified of me. Of my feeling. Of my not feeling.
It is not the best feeling to see your lover white in the face, eyes wide, when you hold your breath to halt the hyperventilation and seek support.
*
Still no rush of blood. Fairly certain now, what with the dizziness and my breasts suddenly popping out of old C-cup bras that previously fit me only when I was 20 pounds heavier. What to do, what to do. Searching home remedies, "herbal abortion" sounding so...primitive, underhand. Height-of-Rome time period provoking. Yet I'm taking notes; vitamin C, parsley, angelica, black cohosh (cause we've all heard of THAT one). I've resolved to "piss on a stick," as Rachel so eloquently phrased, and if positive, start these remedies.
I simply can't afford an abortion, nor the pill; neither could I extract anywhere from $350 to $1200 dollars from my bank account without my father taking notice.
Oh, the burning of not knowin.'
I returned from New Jersey tonight, walking home from the train station at 10:00 pm, tired and wanting to be tipsy, though I smoked a ffffaaaattt (extension necessary, my apologies) joint with Shae before I left.
Quite literally, horrified of me. Of my feeling. Of my not feeling.
It is not the best feeling to see your lover white in the face, eyes wide, when you hold your breath to halt the hyperventilation and seek support.
*
Still no rush of blood. Fairly certain now, what with the dizziness and my breasts suddenly popping out of old C-cup bras that previously fit me only when I was 20 pounds heavier. What to do, what to do. Searching home remedies, "herbal abortion" sounding so...primitive, underhand. Height-of-Rome time period provoking. Yet I'm taking notes; vitamin C, parsley, angelica, black cohosh (cause we've all heard of THAT one). I've resolved to "piss on a stick," as Rachel so eloquently phrased, and if positive, start these remedies.
I simply can't afford an abortion, nor the pill; neither could I extract anywhere from $350 to $1200 dollars from my bank account without my father taking notice.
Oh, the burning of not knowin.'
I returned from New Jersey tonight, walking home from the train station at 10:00 pm, tired and wanting to be tipsy, though I smoked a ffffaaaattt (extension necessary, my apologies) joint with Shae before I left.
