And I take the test, with Shae looking face to face (oh, the wonder of technology, alone in my mother's kitchen yet seeing his face, smile, dimples, those crystal blue eyes like water in the sun). And it's positive, like I knew it would be, and I tell him, and we cry.
Only thing to do, we know, to let it die, kill it, dismember my body from the inside out, a virtual vacuum cleaner taking care of our careless mistake. I start calling clinics, trying to be seen -
The run-around. I'm given the run-around. For five days, trying to make an appointment, see someone, tell someone, some non-voice on the phone that I MUST come have an exam - bum phone numbers given, told to call at specific times, put on hold for 45 minutes at a time. No one seems useful, no one seems able to help. The longer we wait, the higher the cost; we're broke, both of us. Can't afford this, but can't afford the alternative even more.
Shae visits, driving two hours, tired long drive from bumblefuck New Jersey to be with me, to be here when it happens - and, nothing. He is here, and I'm happy for it, but nothing is accomplished and he misses work for no real good reason.
Friday night, us drunk and slurring just the slightest tiniest bit, he sits on the couch and pulls my standing skeleton close to him. He kisses my belly, breathes, "Hello." More kisses, soft yet unyielding, tired, resigned. I burst into tears, those feathery soft touches feeling like nothing more than goodbye kisses.
Saturday, again on hold though advised to call at 8:30 am - and I do - only to be told they can't see me again. What the hell is going on, is it abortion season? I don't understand, does this come in waves, like everyone getting married in June, and everyone killing themselves in December? Can someone explain why PLANNED PARENTHOOD has no room to see a pregnant woman?
Only thing to do, we know, to let it die, kill it, dismember my body from the inside out, a virtual vacuum cleaner taking care of our careless mistake. I start calling clinics, trying to be seen -
The run-around. I'm given the run-around. For five days, trying to make an appointment, see someone, tell someone, some non-voice on the phone that I MUST come have an exam - bum phone numbers given, told to call at specific times, put on hold for 45 minutes at a time. No one seems useful, no one seems able to help. The longer we wait, the higher the cost; we're broke, both of us. Can't afford this, but can't afford the alternative even more.
Shae visits, driving two hours, tired long drive from bumblefuck New Jersey to be with me, to be here when it happens - and, nothing. He is here, and I'm happy for it, but nothing is accomplished and he misses work for no real good reason.
Friday night, us drunk and slurring just the slightest tiniest bit, he sits on the couch and pulls my standing skeleton close to him. He kisses my belly, breathes, "Hello." More kisses, soft yet unyielding, tired, resigned. I burst into tears, those feathery soft touches feeling like nothing more than goodbye kisses.
Saturday, again on hold though advised to call at 8:30 am - and I do - only to be told they can't see me again. What the hell is going on, is it abortion season? I don't understand, does this come in waves, like everyone getting married in June, and everyone killing themselves in December? Can someone explain why PLANNED PARENTHOOD has no room to see a pregnant woman?
