For the first time in my adult life, I am doing some semblance of that wretched thing they call 'dating'. It's not an exclusive thing, as we have not laid any ground rules but for the most part, I am enjoying his company immensely. Mind you, I recently turned 25 and just then, went on my first real date. For the sake of anonymity, let's say his name is Jake. Now, Jake seems to be interested and is, or so he says, not very much into games, pretty much the same as me. What's bothering me, you ask? It is the concept of temporary. Isn't everything in our lives just passing fancies? Nothing is constant but change, and even then change isn't even all that reliable. What makes a person better, or should I say, stronger than change? I have lived a huge chunk of my life miserable and alone in the romance department and to be honest, I grew to live with it, even like it. I spent weeknights getting my self drunk and preying on hapless pretty boys, only to slap my palm onto my forehead the day after, after having snatches of my memory come back, one bit of fuckery at a
time.
Jake makes me feel good about myself. And having said that, it needs to stop right now. I might get used to it and even worse, look for it! I have mastered the art of self-deprecation and I'll be damned if I let it slip through my fingers after all the years I spent honing it razor sharp. Am I letting my cynicism get in the way of finding some sort of happiness? Maybe so, but I say it's a defensive measure. Something is bound to go wrong at one point or another. He may lose interest after a few more weeks and what will I be left with? Memories and another could-have-been. Though I look forward to seeing him tomorrow, I have this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, all the fears of what could happen, that he may see me as a momentary distraction and nothing more.
I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of feeling rejected and having nothing I can do to make it better, apart from going back to my usual routine of booze & boys which, on the whole, is a pretty empty endeavor. I am afraid of having the rug pulled out from under me again. AGAIN. This has happened once before and it made me spiral into a deep depression. I felt worthless and unloved, wondering what I had done to make myself deserve what I got - which was highly, highly unpleasant. Should I nip this in the bud? Stop it before it progresses even more? Go back to being miserable and alone? Or let it run it course and run the risk of losing my center YET AGAIN? What constitutes a WORTHY risk? Isn't it supposed to be a matter of returns?
time.
Jake makes me feel good about myself. And having said that, it needs to stop right now. I might get used to it and even worse, look for it! I have mastered the art of self-deprecation and I'll be damned if I let it slip through my fingers after all the years I spent honing it razor sharp. Am I letting my cynicism get in the way of finding some sort of happiness? Maybe so, but I say it's a defensive measure. Something is bound to go wrong at one point or another. He may lose interest after a few more weeks and what will I be left with? Memories and another could-have-been. Though I look forward to seeing him tomorrow, I have this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, all the fears of what could happen, that he may see me as a momentary distraction and nothing more.
I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of feeling rejected and having nothing I can do to make it better, apart from going back to my usual routine of booze & boys which, on the whole, is a pretty empty endeavor. I am afraid of having the rug pulled out from under me again. AGAIN. This has happened once before and it made me spiral into a deep depression. I felt worthless and unloved, wondering what I had done to make myself deserve what I got - which was highly, highly unpleasant. Should I nip this in the bud? Stop it before it progresses even more? Go back to being miserable and alone? Or let it run it course and run the risk of losing my center YET AGAIN? What constitutes a WORTHY risk? Isn't it supposed to be a matter of returns?
