But anyway. Back to me. There are plenty of things I want to change in my life...that I wish were different. For example, when I think about the fact that I have an appointment tomorrow with an Inter College Program advisor about changing my schools and getting my degree path all set up for this combined studies 2-area degree with Addiction Studies and Psychology, I don't feel all that excited. It makes me a little depressed to think about, in fact. And I think a lot of it stems from where my whole school career and "degree path" has been built upon...the foundation of it has always been weak and uncertain and inconsistent, and so is the future too when I think about it. But isn't that how it most likely would have been had I not been anxious/depressed and drug-addicted throughout that time? Wow. What a thought--I mean, I guess I've always really known it, but it sort of feels like the specific realization that all of my preceding initial college years began, and continued on, when I was actively on, or seeking, drugs of some kind...from pot, to cocaine, to H, to benzos, to suboxone...whatever it might have been, whatever mix...no matter how much I could even try justify the fact that the suboxone was perfectly legal, that it "didn't get me high", that I was "taking it consistently" (which, when I think about it, I never really was. And I was always, as I now see it, always on way too much, and without a doubt for way too long. It does piss me off, in a way. But it is not all-consuming. And I do think I should go to NA meetings probably and talk about it. But that's a whole other story)...Anyway, the fact of the matter is, it was an opiate, it'd get anyone else high, and I was on it, consistently (even with times still trying H, even for about a year coincided with benzos daily), even at times combined with pot or drinking alcohol...for about 3 consecutive years. And before that, simply a constant pot or H-infested life. And yet, as crazy as it may seem, around the same time I started this drug-filled lifestyle, was the same time I started college. Yes, it was technically just PSEO my last semester of high school, but it was college nonetheless. And then came the continued efforts, mostly failed, throughout the drug use, to continue school. With exception to that one (or was it 2?) years where I was with Ted and was taking my suboxone regularly and actually went to classes at Normandale and got pretty good grades...I mostly got W's or F's as a result of my inability to just consistently go to class and consistently either "let the suboxone work", or consistently just get high on whatever...all leading up to now. And yes, the key to my success as I see it now, and the main thing, is that I got off all that opiate shit, stopped smoking pot, and got on an antidepressant and actually "let it work", and yes, got on Adderall too...