V
Many times I just want to bury myself in books. Its when everything around me seems so overwhelming, even though I know they are trifles, little things that do not mean anything and should not be overwhelming in the least. But still, I am overtaken by these things and it leads me to wonder if I am not half mad.
Sometimes its when my room or the house is cluttered. I cannot seem to imagine it ever being cleaned and I fall into despair. Sometimes it is my future. I cannot fathom my job or family or even graduating college. And so I sink lower. Other times it is my school work; while it is not much, just the thought of trying to finish it makes me all the gloomier.
It feels as if the despair is a huge puddle of muddy quicksand... I sink an inch and suddenly there is no hope. I can never imagine reaching the bank and getting out of the pulling sand, so I never try. (Though in actuality it is really very easy. You must lie down, you see, and swim out.) And since I never try, I never survive.
The books I like to get lost in are always adventurous. I dont think I have any book in my personal library that does not have some sort of bravery or adventure in it. Its funny really, because I enjoy being home more than out and about, yet many of my novels are about fantastical journeys. It is such a contradiction of character. Maybe theres a part of me that secretly hopes that I could go on an adventure like heros do, only now I know it could never be possible in our world. It could never produce anything contendable with what is in the books. So I just hide myself away and content myself with fruitless dreaming. How awful.
Of course my motives are selfish. I'd probably like to imagine sometimes that God doesnt exsist, that no one does, except I. How lonely that sounds; just the rock, the wind, and me. But of course none of those -myself included- would even exsist if God didnt. I hate my pride and selfishness. I wish they would fly away to a cliff and leave me for the rest of my life.
God, God; please help me, please forgive me! I dont know how I am to live for you, I dont know the first thing. I feel so helpless, though I know You have not made me so! Please guide me, my Lord, please make my life an adventure, a journey, a quest for you. I want it to be exciting Lord, because I know you are exciting.
Many times I just want to bury myself in books. Its when everything around me seems so overwhelming, even though I know they are trifles, little things that do not mean anything and should not be overwhelming in the least. But still, I am overtaken by these things and it leads me to wonder if I am not half mad.
Sometimes its when my room or the house is cluttered. I cannot seem to imagine it ever being cleaned and I fall into despair. Sometimes it is my future. I cannot fathom my job or family or even graduating college. And so I sink lower. Other times it is my school work; while it is not much, just the thought of trying to finish it makes me all the gloomier.
It feels as if the despair is a huge puddle of muddy quicksand... I sink an inch and suddenly there is no hope. I can never imagine reaching the bank and getting out of the pulling sand, so I never try. (Though in actuality it is really very easy. You must lie down, you see, and swim out.) And since I never try, I never survive.
The books I like to get lost in are always adventurous. I dont think I have any book in my personal library that does not have some sort of bravery or adventure in it. Its funny really, because I enjoy being home more than out and about, yet many of my novels are about fantastical journeys. It is such a contradiction of character. Maybe theres a part of me that secretly hopes that I could go on an adventure like heros do, only now I know it could never be possible in our world. It could never produce anything contendable with what is in the books. So I just hide myself away and content myself with fruitless dreaming. How awful.
Of course my motives are selfish. I'd probably like to imagine sometimes that God doesnt exsist, that no one does, except I. How lonely that sounds; just the rock, the wind, and me. But of course none of those -myself included- would even exsist if God didnt. I hate my pride and selfishness. I wish they would fly away to a cliff and leave me for the rest of my life.
God, God; please help me, please forgive me! I dont know how I am to live for you, I dont know the first thing. I feel so helpless, though I know You have not made me so! Please guide me, my Lord, please make my life an adventure, a journey, a quest for you. I want it to be exciting Lord, because I know you are exciting.
