Obviously he never really loved me, he used me, and it took me this long to realize it. I'm not a stupid girl, I was just overpowered by the fairy tale romance that I had always wanted and thought I had. We were really close and everyone said we were adorable together, but of course they didn't know what happened behind close doors, at least not then. The break up was definitely not a clean one, a lot of things were said and then it was over. I cried, I actually cried, I almost never cry, and looking back on it I shouldn't have wasted tears over an asshole like him. One of the worst parts is that we had a song, and I still really like that song but it still makes me think of him. I can’t hear ‘Electric Feel’ by MGMT without wanting to die again. It’s stupid, but sometimes I miss him, even though he really was a total lying asshole I have some great memories with him.
I start to think back to a great time I had with him but I stop myself. I can’t do this anymore, I am just hurting myself and others. I want to cry, I need to cry, but the tears are stuck behind my eyes. The pressure on my temples makes me think my head is about to implode. If this goes on any longer I may just shut down. Maybe I might even act out for once, but it’s much more likely that I will just shut down within myself. I wish he would just disappear from my life, like Kid Cudi says in ‘Erase Me’, I hate him, and I want to erase him. I reach over to my nightstand and shove my iPod in the stereo dock and press play. It’s shuffling on a playlist titled “Fuck Him”, I made it one night when I was really pissed and needed to cool off. I take a deep relaxing breath because the first song is “No Surprises” by Radiohead, I can’t really understand what he’s singing but this song always relaxes me.
If I were to pull the rest my body onto my bed I could probably be more comfortable, but I don’t want to move. So I don’t, I just lay staring at my ceiling letting the music take me over. When “As Ugly As I Seem” by the White Stripes starts to play my brain starts churning. When the line ‘there’s a spot on the ceiling of my childhood bedroom’ plays I see a spot of water damage on my ceiling and I start to smile a little. Music is the only thing that can fix me, even if just for a moment.
Then my smile fades into my disappointed frown. The stupid hate filled thoughts snuck in again. People at school all think this is just how I always have my face. I’ve been lying about my emotions a lot lately, and o one sees behind it so I must be a good actress. I think I understand what Lady Gaga means in ‘Poker face’ now. Maybe it wasn’t what she thought when she wrote it but good music should be able to have meaning for everyone, even if everyone takes it in their own way.
I start to think back to a great time I had with him but I stop myself. I can’t do this anymore, I am just hurting myself and others. I want to cry, I need to cry, but the tears are stuck behind my eyes. The pressure on my temples makes me think my head is about to implode. If this goes on any longer I may just shut down. Maybe I might even act out for once, but it’s much more likely that I will just shut down within myself. I wish he would just disappear from my life, like Kid Cudi says in ‘Erase Me’, I hate him, and I want to erase him. I reach over to my nightstand and shove my iPod in the stereo dock and press play. It’s shuffling on a playlist titled “Fuck Him”, I made it one night when I was really pissed and needed to cool off. I take a deep relaxing breath because the first song is “No Surprises” by Radiohead, I can’t really understand what he’s singing but this song always relaxes me.
If I were to pull the rest my body onto my bed I could probably be more comfortable, but I don’t want to move. So I don’t, I just lay staring at my ceiling letting the music take me over. When “As Ugly As I Seem” by the White Stripes starts to play my brain starts churning. When the line ‘there’s a spot on the ceiling of my childhood bedroom’ plays I see a spot of water damage on my ceiling and I start to smile a little. Music is the only thing that can fix me, even if just for a moment.
Then my smile fades into my disappointed frown. The stupid hate filled thoughts snuck in again. People at school all think this is just how I always have my face. I’ve been lying about my emotions a lot lately, and o one sees behind it so I must be a good actress. I think I understand what Lady Gaga means in ‘Poker face’ now. Maybe it wasn’t what she thought when she wrote it but good music should be able to have meaning for everyone, even if everyone takes it in their own way.
