Night is beginning to sweep across the city. I'm standing on the edge of a five story building. My back is to the empty space behind me, my face is towards all the other buildings stretched across the city. It's that time of night where everyone is just getting home from an exhausting day at work, so it's eerily quiet except for distant sirens. I look around me and take one last deep breath, I spread my arms wide like a bird's wings and let myself fall back into emptiness. As I fall, looking up at the sky, I see the stars just starting to peak out of the calming night sky. I don't even know when I'll stop falling, but that is the beauty of it. Any minute now I may meet my splattered end, yet I stay calm and enjoy the feeling of free falling. And as I know my life is about to come to an end I begin to belt out Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'", a perfect last thought.
I never hit the ground, instead I flop down on to my musty old mattress and the springs squeak under my weight. I never actually fell off that building, it was just another one of my suicide fantasies. Of course I could never really do it, I have so many people in my life that love me. I don't know why I want to die so badly when I have so much to live for, so many people have real reasons, but not I. No, it's not like when Harold would stage his death for attention in Harold & Maude, nothing like that. It's not about the attention, I have plenty of that. It's not that my mother seems to wish I was never born, at least I still have a loving father. I know it has nothing to do with my ex saying I'm an ugly lying slut, because I know I'm not a liar, I'm not so sure about the ugly slut part yet. I have decent enough grades in school and a great group of friends. I have a wide open future, though I may not have talent for much. I have a great life really, I shouldn't be throwing it away. Yet I can't help but think this life I'm living isn't meant for me.
My lumpy mildewed mattress finally stops bouncing and I open my eyes. My ceiling is still covered in those glow in the dark stars everyone had as a kid. I'm too lazy to take them down, and I kind of like how they make me remember the times when I was a carefree little kid. Back then I still had my innocence, I was daddy's little angel who didn't know anything about this stupid fucked up world. My dad used to read me those happily ever after fairy tales, which I have found to be complete bull shit, but back then I ate that shit up like candy. My craving for a Prince Charming is pretty much what took away my innocence. I was so desperate that I gave everything away to the first guy to say he loved me. He took my innocence two summers ago, right after seventh grade had ended. The relationship didn't last much longer than the summer.
I never hit the ground, instead I flop down on to my musty old mattress and the springs squeak under my weight. I never actually fell off that building, it was just another one of my suicide fantasies. Of course I could never really do it, I have so many people in my life that love me. I don't know why I want to die so badly when I have so much to live for, so many people have real reasons, but not I. No, it's not like when Harold would stage his death for attention in Harold & Maude, nothing like that. It's not about the attention, I have plenty of that. It's not that my mother seems to wish I was never born, at least I still have a loving father. I know it has nothing to do with my ex saying I'm an ugly lying slut, because I know I'm not a liar, I'm not so sure about the ugly slut part yet. I have decent enough grades in school and a great group of friends. I have a wide open future, though I may not have talent for much. I have a great life really, I shouldn't be throwing it away. Yet I can't help but think this life I'm living isn't meant for me.
My lumpy mildewed mattress finally stops bouncing and I open my eyes. My ceiling is still covered in those glow in the dark stars everyone had as a kid. I'm too lazy to take them down, and I kind of like how they make me remember the times when I was a carefree little kid. Back then I still had my innocence, I was daddy's little angel who didn't know anything about this stupid fucked up world. My dad used to read me those happily ever after fairy tales, which I have found to be complete bull shit, but back then I ate that shit up like candy. My craving for a Prince Charming is pretty much what took away my innocence. I was so desperate that I gave everything away to the first guy to say he loved me. He took my innocence two summers ago, right after seventh grade had ended. The relationship didn't last much longer than the summer.
