to you because it was so fucking unrealistic I couldn't have made it up in a million years. But apparently Jo, well, I guess--"
"OK who the fuck was he?"
"I met him in a dream."
Jolene laughed and began to kiss him again, realizing her future husband was even more whacko than she had previously imagined. THis time he pulled away.
"You think I'm kidding about this? This dude comes up to me and starts talking about how I have been dreaming about him for years and that he has come into this world, into our world now, because he has to tell me something."
"Excuse me, Chuck, if I have a hard time believing that. It sounds like a Charmed episode."
"You're telling me! I smacked myself about ten times. I even asked the waitress--that one with the green hair, remember her?--if she could see him too. Now I can never go back into Tommy's and have her wait on me because she looked at me like I must be on heroin or something."
"Oh Jesus. Well, tell me the rest of this story. Then can we please just have sex?"
This got Charles more excited than he had been when they were making out. He of course told her the story could wait, but Jolene was persistent.
"OK. So This guy's name...fuck, I can't even remember his name. Or what he looked like, really. He just told me that I should be waiting for him to call on me or some shit. I was like, dude, you are on crack, and then...Well then Jolene it gets kinda creepy. He knew a lot of things about me."
"Like what?"
"Like about my birthmark, you know that one only you know about?"
"You mean the one on your ass?"
"Yeah Jo. OK so he told me he knew about that and he knew all this weird shit that was like, about how I think and shit. Shit I haven't told anyone because I never even realized it until it came from his mouth."
"Ok. What. What was this ghosty dude's name?"
"That's what I'm saying Jo, for the life of me, I can't remember. All I remember is that he told me that I would be sorry if I didn't heed his advice and stop walking in the park every day. He actually told me to stay inside for at least the next week or so. And then he mentioned you--"
"I was in this conversation? With the sand man?"
"Not the sand man Jo. The sand dude."
"Oh. Sorry. Sand dude. Yeah, makes more sense.
"Fuck you. So anyway, he said that you weren't in trouble but you would be if we didn't get married soon."
"Like, pregnancy kind of trouble?"
"That's what I said. And he was like, hah hah hah! No! So I started trying to ask him questions but he wouldn't answer them. He would only tell me that I knew who he was and that if I didn't take his advice I regret it for the rest of my young life. Those were his words. My young life. So I keep thinking to myself, is this guy saying there's like, a sniper in the park or some shit? And if so, is he going to snipe Jolene just because we're not married yet? Like what the fuck is going on here? So I have been really paranoid, yeah, you caught me, because the sand dude scared the fuckin shit outta me."
"Jesus, Chuck..."
"Yeah. Now I don't even have a boner anymore."
Jolene laughed and said she could fix that, which incidentally, she always could.
The next morning Jolene crept out of bed to look in the mirror. She did this sometimes. She hated Chuck knowing she was insecure about the way her face looked, all freckly and asymmetrical, so she only looked in the mirror when he wasn't around. In the mirror, Jolene saw a woman who was getting old, tired, and, as she surprised herself with this thought--beautiful. Jolene saw that morning the beauty of her freckles as she hadn't since fourth grade when Joey McGrady told her they were the best thing about her. As Jolene began to make coffee, she thought of what it would be like to be married to Chuck. Would it be any different than it was now? Why would it be? The whole "cold feet" thing never struck her, which she took as a good sign. When he asked her, she said "YES!" almost before he could spit out the words.
"Good morning my beautiful sexy wife-to-be in 56 days and 5 hours," Chuck whispered into her ear as he entered the room from behind her and began to wrap his arms around her.
"Remember what I was telling you about last night? The sand dude?"
"How could I forget about that? Sounds fuckin creepy."
"Yeah, well...He's here."
"What?!"
"I just buzzed him in."
"OK Chuck. I live here too. I don't want some scary sand dude in my apartment. If that man is coming up here, I'm leaving."
"Too late," Jolene heard an unfamiliar voice from the foyer.
The man who stepped into the living room of Jo and Chuck's apartment was, to say the least, extremely handsome. Jolene looked at him like a kid who had listened to Pink Floyd for the first time while stoned. He was handsome, tan, gruff, and Jolene couldn't remember how, but she knew him. She knew his face and his mannerisms. When she offered him coffee (despite herself, what do you say to a sand dude?) he accepted and took the cup from her hands so gingerly that she thought she might lose it. Who was this guy?
"My name is _________"
"Oh, ___________, welcome to my home. Our home. I guess you already know Chuck."
"And I know you as well."
"OK man. What the fuck here."
"I'm sorry?"
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Well, I'm the man you see chasing you down that alley, I'm the one you see running towards you when you fall and break your arm, and I'm the man who's going to save your life."
Jolene couldn't find words. She tried very hard, for what seemed like a lifetime, to find words to say to this man. She now knew exactly who he was. He was her worst nightmare.
"CHUCK! Get this man out of here. I don't want this guy in my house. Get him the fuck out. I'm serious."
"Jo, I can't kick him out..."
"WHY THE FUCK NOT?!"
"He won't let me."
"OK Chuck. Seriously. This man is a rapist. OK. This man is a violent horrible person and I don't want him here. I have no idea how he got here or how he knows who the fuck we are but he is nothing but bad news. Isn't that right, _______?"
"For you, yes. For Charles, no."
"He's right Jo. The best dream I've ever had, he was in it."
At this point Jolene was so flustered and confused that she had to sit down right on the kitchen floor.
"OK who the fuck was he?"
"I met him in a dream."
Jolene laughed and began to kiss him again, realizing her future husband was even more whacko than she had previously imagined. THis time he pulled away.
"You think I'm kidding about this? This dude comes up to me and starts talking about how I have been dreaming about him for years and that he has come into this world, into our world now, because he has to tell me something."
"Excuse me, Chuck, if I have a hard time believing that. It sounds like a Charmed episode."
"You're telling me! I smacked myself about ten times. I even asked the waitress--that one with the green hair, remember her?--if she could see him too. Now I can never go back into Tommy's and have her wait on me because she looked at me like I must be on heroin or something."
"Oh Jesus. Well, tell me the rest of this story. Then can we please just have sex?"
This got Charles more excited than he had been when they were making out. He of course told her the story could wait, but Jolene was persistent.
"OK. So This guy's name...fuck, I can't even remember his name. Or what he looked like, really. He just told me that I should be waiting for him to call on me or some shit. I was like, dude, you are on crack, and then...Well then Jolene it gets kinda creepy. He knew a lot of things about me."
"Like what?"
"Like about my birthmark, you know that one only you know about?"
"You mean the one on your ass?"
"Yeah Jo. OK so he told me he knew about that and he knew all this weird shit that was like, about how I think and shit. Shit I haven't told anyone because I never even realized it until it came from his mouth."
"Ok. What. What was this ghosty dude's name?"
"That's what I'm saying Jo, for the life of me, I can't remember. All I remember is that he told me that I would be sorry if I didn't heed his advice and stop walking in the park every day. He actually told me to stay inside for at least the next week or so. And then he mentioned you--"
"I was in this conversation? With the sand man?"
"Not the sand man Jo. The sand dude."
"Oh. Sorry. Sand dude. Yeah, makes more sense.
"Fuck you. So anyway, he said that you weren't in trouble but you would be if we didn't get married soon."
"Like, pregnancy kind of trouble?"
"That's what I said. And he was like, hah hah hah! No! So I started trying to ask him questions but he wouldn't answer them. He would only tell me that I knew who he was and that if I didn't take his advice I regret it for the rest of my young life. Those were his words. My young life. So I keep thinking to myself, is this guy saying there's like, a sniper in the park or some shit? And if so, is he going to snipe Jolene just because we're not married yet? Like what the fuck is going on here? So I have been really paranoid, yeah, you caught me, because the sand dude scared the fuckin shit outta me."
"Jesus, Chuck..."
"Yeah. Now I don't even have a boner anymore."
Jolene laughed and said she could fix that, which incidentally, she always could.
The next morning Jolene crept out of bed to look in the mirror. She did this sometimes. She hated Chuck knowing she was insecure about the way her face looked, all freckly and asymmetrical, so she only looked in the mirror when he wasn't around. In the mirror, Jolene saw a woman who was getting old, tired, and, as she surprised herself with this thought--beautiful. Jolene saw that morning the beauty of her freckles as she hadn't since fourth grade when Joey McGrady told her they were the best thing about her. As Jolene began to make coffee, she thought of what it would be like to be married to Chuck. Would it be any different than it was now? Why would it be? The whole "cold feet" thing never struck her, which she took as a good sign. When he asked her, she said "YES!" almost before he could spit out the words.
"Good morning my beautiful sexy wife-to-be in 56 days and 5 hours," Chuck whispered into her ear as he entered the room from behind her and began to wrap his arms around her.
"Remember what I was telling you about last night? The sand dude?"
"How could I forget about that? Sounds fuckin creepy."
"Yeah, well...He's here."
"What?!"
"I just buzzed him in."
"OK Chuck. I live here too. I don't want some scary sand dude in my apartment. If that man is coming up here, I'm leaving."
"Too late," Jolene heard an unfamiliar voice from the foyer.
The man who stepped into the living room of Jo and Chuck's apartment was, to say the least, extremely handsome. Jolene looked at him like a kid who had listened to Pink Floyd for the first time while stoned. He was handsome, tan, gruff, and Jolene couldn't remember how, but she knew him. She knew his face and his mannerisms. When she offered him coffee (despite herself, what do you say to a sand dude?) he accepted and took the cup from her hands so gingerly that she thought she might lose it. Who was this guy?
"My name is _________"
"Oh, ___________, welcome to my home. Our home. I guess you already know Chuck."
"And I know you as well."
"OK man. What the fuck here."
"I'm sorry?"
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Well, I'm the man you see chasing you down that alley, I'm the one you see running towards you when you fall and break your arm, and I'm the man who's going to save your life."
Jolene couldn't find words. She tried very hard, for what seemed like a lifetime, to find words to say to this man. She now knew exactly who he was. He was her worst nightmare.
"CHUCK! Get this man out of here. I don't want this guy in my house. Get him the fuck out. I'm serious."
"Jo, I can't kick him out..."
"WHY THE FUCK NOT?!"
"He won't let me."
"OK Chuck. Seriously. This man is a rapist. OK. This man is a violent horrible person and I don't want him here. I have no idea how he got here or how he knows who the fuck we are but he is nothing but bad news. Isn't that right, _______?"
"For you, yes. For Charles, no."
"He's right Jo. The best dream I've ever had, he was in it."
At this point Jolene was so flustered and confused that she had to sit down right on the kitchen floor.
