ive finally admitted to myself i am depressed, i need professional help. drinking bring out this unending sadness in me. i dump it onto his shoulders. like he doesn't have his own shit to sort out. like he can handle the problems i can't even begin to face myself. like it his fault people he doesnt even know have died and left me and hurt me before he ever even knew me. i cant do that to him anymore. he is the sun. the sea. he is music and happiness and milk and honey. he is macaroni and cheese and kisses on your forehead. and big hands that hold you without one ounce of selfishness. he is talking about philly, he is listening. he is vacation. he is a hot cup of tea after playing in the snow. he is chilled water after running in the sun. hes petting dogs and making up names for them. he is sitting on the roof and staring at the skyscrapers. he is all the good things in the world. he is everything to me. i have never met anyone like him before. someone who has their whole self to give to another person. no walls no barriers, just unconditional love. he can talk to anyone. every single person that meets him adores him, and he chooses to adore me. they way i feel about him is almost beyond love. like he is a piece of me i never even knew i lost until i found him. i can't breathe without knowing hes breathing too. how can i continue to hurt him the way i do. i;m scared one day ill ruin everything wonderful about him. ill bring him down with me. ill destroy who he is. all those wonderful things will be pushed out by my sadness and my problems and he'll be just like me. hollow and empty and cold and confused and lost. and jaded and bitter. how selfish of my to take all the wonderful things just for myself and then spit them back in his face, chewed and tasteless. i can't do that. i tell him these things, and he holds me like he always does. breathing in my ear, the music i fall asleep to, and he doesn't say much of anything. maybe he knows its true and hes scared for it as well. maybe he doesn't know what to do either. i could ruin him, i have a knack for ruining things. its possible. i was like him once. and someone destroyed me. shattered my confidence and brought me down. and i have been struggling to get back up for years now. i found him and it is easier. he pulled me up, little by little, but im on a lippery slope.and im sliding down with sometimes i feel if that if i love him i should leave him. preserve the person he is. not drag him down and make him like me, but let him go knowing how wonderful he is and how he is loved. but i dont know what i would do without him, i dont know what i would become.