he doesnt want to leave me. he is determined to stay by me and help me out. to see me through this and support me. what a blessing. we're 20 years old and he's hold my hand through this like we have been married for 50 years. like he can't remember life without me, so how can he leave me. he could. he could walk out the door and into the room of someone else. someone with less baggage. someone who isn't so dramatic, so needy and so exhausting. he could date someone who could hold their alcohol. who doesnt explode at the drop of a hat. someone with a bigger bed and a smaller body. but he doesnt. he stays with me. endlessly. holding me when i cry and telling me i still look beautiful. what did i do to deserve this. where did i go right? is god paying me back for all those times in sunday school when i sat quietly and listened? was i mother teresa in a previous life? it doesn't make sense. i can't begin to express my gratitude. but still i hurt him. i can't anymore. i need help. to help myself. to heal. but to save him. i love him. well thats an understatement. i could never find a word that could express how i feel about him. its so much more than love. i need to make a word up. but for now i love him, and because i love him, i will change.