05.23.12
I was talking to Claudia, and she told me to let him miss me, to give him the time he wants. I will. But it is harder than I could have imagined in the meantime.
I used to consider myself a connoisseur of the unexpected. I've never been one to pursue laid out plans, or set-in-stone certainties. Yet he seems to change everything. He adds adventure and uncertainty to my life, in a sense, but I find myself wanting him to be set in stone. I want to make plans with him, and stick to them. Yet I suppose those aren't the rules of this game of Life; that's not how it works when reality hits. Plus, that's not really fair to him anyway, is it? I would never dare to clip his wings. That's the funny thing, though - when we were together, I felt like being with him, being committed to him, to each other, didn't clip any wings at all. Rather, it gave us wings that enabled us to fly further than our personal records of a few feet off the ground.
It filled our lungs with hope. Joy. Dare I say it, it infused our blood with Love.
Still, with everything else whizzing out of place, I know I care for him with a depth and richness which I have never known before him. That has not changed. I think surely he knows that, but I'm trying to conceal that fact anyway. For now.
"Let him miss you", she said.
So I'll wait, quietly.
I didn't get out much today. I hate that my desire to view and experience beauty first hand is so tied to another person. Yet I've found that just because you hate a reality doesn't make it any less true. I'm not sure why I confine myself to second-hand beauty. You can see beauty to an extent on the computer screen. But it will always be cold. I will never be able to touch, taste, smell, breathe in, or experience anything but a screen. Not until I allow myself to.
David Levithan said in his Lover's Dictionary: "Collocate, v.: I want to be two words that are often paired. I want to have my own meaning, but also have you always associated with me."
~FIN~
I was talking to Claudia, and she told me to let him miss me, to give him the time he wants. I will. But it is harder than I could have imagined in the meantime.
I used to consider myself a connoisseur of the unexpected. I've never been one to pursue laid out plans, or set-in-stone certainties. Yet he seems to change everything. He adds adventure and uncertainty to my life, in a sense, but I find myself wanting him to be set in stone. I want to make plans with him, and stick to them. Yet I suppose those aren't the rules of this game of Life; that's not how it works when reality hits. Plus, that's not really fair to him anyway, is it? I would never dare to clip his wings. That's the funny thing, though - when we were together, I felt like being with him, being committed to him, to each other, didn't clip any wings at all. Rather, it gave us wings that enabled us to fly further than our personal records of a few feet off the ground.
It filled our lungs with hope. Joy. Dare I say it, it infused our blood with Love.
Still, with everything else whizzing out of place, I know I care for him with a depth and richness which I have never known before him. That has not changed. I think surely he knows that, but I'm trying to conceal that fact anyway. For now.
"Let him miss you", she said.
So I'll wait, quietly.
I didn't get out much today. I hate that my desire to view and experience beauty first hand is so tied to another person. Yet I've found that just because you hate a reality doesn't make it any less true. I'm not sure why I confine myself to second-hand beauty. You can see beauty to an extent on the computer screen. But it will always be cold. I will never be able to touch, taste, smell, breathe in, or experience anything but a screen. Not until I allow myself to.
David Levithan said in his Lover's Dictionary: "Collocate, v.: I want to be two words that are often paired. I want to have my own meaning, but also have you always associated with me."
~FIN~
