year, that's when she leaves. i'll have to take out my special smile i keep in it's drawer to let people know i'm doing just fine. please don't ask me if i'm ok.

for now i just sit and lie against her chest. i can hear her heartbeat, steady and soft. it calms me, i feel my heart mirroring hers. struggling to maintain a consistent beat. she calls me her girl, and i smile. i think about how all of this happened how it shouldn't have happened. i think about all the pain i've caused and the happiness i've brought. when i look towards her, she looks back and just kisses the top of my forehead, right beneath where my hair starts. the stitching to my thoughts, holding it all in with delicate strands of processed threads. i try not to think about when she leaves, when all of this will disappear. i can't help it, not really. my hands can't sit still and roam everywhere, she notices and calms them with her own. holding them in place, intertwined with her delicate fingers.
'i love you,' she whispers into my ear. my eyes swell with thoughts of planes and eiffel towers and french cigarettes coupled with coffee. i close them, trying to dim the lights of my nightmares. the smoke of the imaginary cigarettes drifts out of my nose and ears and between my teeth, tethering an unwanted taste around each taste bud. i squirm up towards her and wrap myself against her. i tell her i'm going to give her a thousand kisses for good luck, like the thousand paper cranes she keeps in a jar by her bed. she laughs and just lets me kiss her. the taste of smoke dissipates little by little with each kiss, the sounds of jet engines move away with each little laugh she lets out as i inadvertently tickle her. when i'm done and have run out of kisses, all i do is laugh and wear my smile i keep for her. i rest my head against her chest and listen to her steady heartbeat, mine mirroring hers.