when your eyes feel as though they're going to swell and your hands can't sit still, what do you do? i sit on my bed, with my back leaned against the pictures of my life i have tacked to the wall. i close my eyes. nothing changes when they decide to reopen. they still feel swollen. my hands still wringing against themselves, then pulling at the covers, bringing them up to my chin. it's too hot for covers, but i feel so empty. i want to think that there's at least something that can be covered. everyone keeps talking about the end of the year. everyone except me. i want this year to go on forever, whatever forever means. i want to be with this person forever. when i'm with her, i don't feel so empty. i worry that this has become a dependent relationship, but who can really say. and what's wrong with that anyway? is it so wrong to feel fulfilled by someone? my eyes feel swollen again so i close them. i imagine that the pictures behind me are stuffing that compose my being. everything is from the past. that's all you're really composed of. i see them forming into crumpled shapes and pushing themselves into my ears, down my throat, in my nose. they drown me and i just breathe in deeper. my hands are still with this daydream, they lay by my side, not wanting to disrupt this delicate process of drowning.
i'm re-awoken with the pounding of fists against my door. it's a gentle pounding, one that's not meant to be invasive, but i feel it like my heart beat against my ribs. each pound and thump making me aware of existence and frightening me at the same time. eventually i get up from the bed, i open the door. i put on the smile that i wear everyday, the one i keep in the drawer for special occasions. the person enters my room and we talk about a dance piece that can be interpreted as people putting on fronts when they first meet someone. i just laugh with my worn smile that i keep in the drawer for special occasions.
i look down at my hands, now playing with the hem of my shirt, tugging at the neck, not wanting to sit still. my eyes feel swollen and all i want to do is lay down next to the person i love and make her smile with my stupid jokes. that's when i wear my real smile. i'll have to put it away at the end of the